Life with PTSD

10/27/2017

It is currently 1:07am and I have finished season 1 of the Flash and I am almost done with season 3 of Arrow. I can not sleep because I am having to many thoughts tonight. They suggest to paint or color or write and I have tried everything. Nothing has been helping. Writing on here is a little, before I was writing in a notebook. My boyfriend has work so he is sleeping. I have been unable to work since this happened. I feel so alone a lot of the time. I want to give up. Especially tonight. I feel like any of the 59 should have lived and I should have been in their spot. I feel like such a burden because I can not do anything myself.

I am having such a hard time talking to people. I keep getting frustrated and upset with myself and I am taking it out on other people. Halloween is my favorite holiday and this year I wont be able to enjoy it like I used to. I hate feeling like this. The other night we hung out with friends. It has been a long time since I have done that and it felt nice. Around 10pm someone in the neighborhood lit a firework off. Just one. A loud boom that sounded like a gunshot. I tensed up and froze. I started panicking trying to find somewhere to hide as we were outside and I was crying and it was getting hard to breath. My boyfriend instantly grabbed me and hugged me and just held me telling me it was okay and that we were safe. That we were not in harm and we were with people who love and care for us. He just held me till I could calm down. I was not able to sleep last night. I stayed at his house and while he slept I just binge watched shows. It seems that is all I can do right now. 

It is a lot harder to live with PTSD than I thought. The flashbacks and images dont ever leave your head. They stay there forever and anything can trigger. You slowly start to find out things that do it for you. And things you know you cant do or see. For me, I cant go to the strip or see mandalay bay. It is hard because no matter where you are you see it. It is hard leaving my apartment. 

I have a tattoo that says tomorrow is promised to no one. And truly I never thought anything like this would happen to me.