Past

How to ask Why

DEAR PAPER,

I accepted my defeat.

I am living with pain.

I smile even though its like my lips would suddenly bleed.

I sacrificed, a lot.

Yet, I didn't even complain about everything.

I didn't hate them as they are to me.

I didn't curse them like what they did.

I didn't wish them dead like what they wished for me.

I didn't question God for why did this happened to me?

Kahit na wala naman talaga akong kasalanan.

Kahit na hindi ko naman talaga deserved lahat ng sakit.

Kahit na dapat naman talaga akong magalit sakanila.

Kahit na pwede ko naman siguro siyang tanungin kung bakit.

Instead, I believed that I am strong.

That I'm still the tough lady that can handle every problem, surpass all the trials.

Siguro ngayon lang.

Ngayon lang mangyayari lahat ng hindi ko ginawa.

WHY?

Why do I have to accept that I have been defeated on a fight I didn't even start?

Why do I have to continue living with the pain I didn't have to feel from the beginning?

Why do I have to smile on everyone who caused me to bleed?

Why do I have to sacrifice for them, who didn't even think twice hurting me?

Why didn't I complain earlier?

Why didn't I hate them from the start?

Why didn't i curse them as they do?

Why didn't I wish them something like they wished for me?

Why didn't I question Him so maybe I would know the answers?

Why did I believe that I am strong enough to endure all the pain this fuckin' world has to give?

Because by now, I know I will never be that Tough Lady who can handle everything.

I'm a mess. a mess made by them.

I am fucked up. I am shattered.

I can't endure the reality anymore....

Hurting,

Gabbi