LOVE TO HATE YOU

(NEW) BAD CAN BE VERY GOOD...

It was three in the morning and I was still staring at the ceiling. JJ's words had been playing over and over in my head like a stuck record, and I'd been tossing and turning and getting in and out of bed all night. I even got up and started cleaning my room in a desperate attempt to clear my mind. What would I have done had the roles been reversed?

I hadn't told Ben everything about myself either, for the exact same reason he hadn't told me. We were the same in that way- so how could I be angry at him for something I was doing too? But that still didn't stop all the intense emotions I was having right now. It was a mixture of a million different feelings that were hard to piece together and understand. I was confused. About him, about the way I felt about him, about everything... that is, expect for one thing. I was crystal clear about one thing alone.

I opened my laptop and started writing a formal resignation letter. Once done, I hovered over the send key for a moment, hesitating. But just for a second. I quickly pressed send and watched as the mail disappeared with a whoosh. I was just about to shut my computer when I heard a ping.

It was from Ben. I opened the mail and there were only five words.

"I don't accept your resignation." My blood boiled and my fingers returned to the keys.

"I've already got a new job. I won't be coming in on Monday."

A message flew back almost instantly. "You signed an employment contract that said you would give three months written notice."

The mail made me furious and I started typing again. "Sue me." I wrote and sent the mail back.

"Maybe I will." Ben's response shot into my inbox.

"Go for it. See if I care." I blasted it off.

"You do care."

"Trust me, I don't. And besides, what right do you have to be angry with me??!!!"

There was a long pause in the messages and I bit down on my nail in anticipation. Why did I feel this way? Why did I care so much, and dislike him so intensely all at the same time?

Knock. Knock.

I looked up in panic as I heard the knock on the front door. It was three in the morning for God sake. I marched over to the door and opened it quickly knowing exactly who it was.

"What are you doing here?" I hiss-whispered.

"Not accepting your resignation."

"You don't have a choice," I said.

"What job have you got?"

"None of your business." I folded my arms.

"You're one of my best people, I don't want to lose you." The fiery look in his eye and the tone of his voice changed. "You're really good at what you do."

"Everyone knows, though. I cannot go into work again every single day and know that everyone is watching me and thinking I'm some slut who's trying to sleep her way to the top."

"No one will think that."

"They already do." I lowered my head, the shame of that conversation with Samantha and Ness in the bathroom still stung like hell.

"Let them think what they like about you."

"No!" I looked up, "That's your thing, not giving a fuck about what people think of you. All those mysterious rumors and urban legends about you. That is not me. I don't want to be whispered about and gossiped about."

"I give a fuck about what you think of me." Ben quickly said.

I sighed and shook my head. "But that's not the only reason and you know that. With everything that's happened between us, I can't work with you anymore. You make me crazy. You make me irrational and insane and it's not good. For either of us."

"Insane is good." Ben took a step closer to me.

"No! Insane is very, very bad." I said.

"And bad can be very good too."

"Oh stop it! Just stop it with all your weird contradictory little mysterious statements...love to hate you, fuck you or marry you. They are ridiculous. And make no sense whatsoever. You make no sense. We make no sense. And don't say something like making no sense makes sense or some crap like that."

Ben smiled at me, "There's my fiery Sera."

"My? I'm not yours, and besides, a few hours ago you were telling me what bad news you were and how I shouldn't date you."

"That is still totally true. I would kill a guy like me if my daughter brought him home."

"Huh? You see, that makes no sense again." I re folded my arms as Ben took another presumptuous step forward.

"My life is fucked up and I'm totally imperfect. But I also think that we're perfect for each other." He took another step forward and I knew I had to stop this because– despite all common sense- he might actually land up walking me backwards and all the way into my bedroom.

"It's late, Ben. I'm tired. I want to sleep."

"Sure." He nodded slowly. "Can we pick this up in the morning?"

"Pick what up?"

"This conversation, there is still so much I want to say to you."

"You've said enough, Ben. Trust me, you've said enough to last you a hundred lifetimes. Goodnight." I started pushing him out and closing the door, but he blocked me.

"Ben! Please. Let's just call it a night.

He opened his mouth and looked like he was about to give one last big plea, but stopped himself.

"Goodnight, Sera."