Skipping Stones - COMPLETE

Chapter 3

We are ushered into a small room. The plaque on the wall says, Family ICU Waiting Room.

At the moment, I wish there was a switch for my feelings. Like a button I could press that would turn off all emotions and make it so I could just exist, but there isn't. Instead I try to deny this is happening.

That's what I have to do. Pretend none of this just occurred. Act like we're here visiting someone else. Let this play out in my mind like it's a movie because the reality hurts too much. Refrain from asking questions about what's going to happen next, because I have a feeling that the answers aren't ones I'm ready to hear.

There's a television in the corner, a pot of coffee that smells old, Styrofoam cups, stirrers, cream, and sugar. Other than that and a few chairs, this place is empty. It's uninviting, not a place intended for long-term stay.

That is probably because people don't stay here long. They either get better, or, the alternative is not one I can wrap my head around at this moment. I see movement at the door, and I'm grateful for the distraction. It's my mom's parents.

Again, the expressions on their faces will forever be imprinted on my brain and my heart. The apprehension, the anxiety, the heartache that is plaguing all of us are visible. My grandmother is usually beautiful: flawless, dark skin, sea foam green eyes, silky black curls just barely speckled with gray. I've never seen her unkempt. She's in her sixties, but she looks like she could be my mom's sister. Today, her eyes are bloodshot. Her hair looks frazzled.

My grandfather is tall compared to her. He has her tucked into his side. I can tell in one glimpse that he's trying to be strong. He's completely no nonsense. I admit that sometimes I don't know how to act around him. He intimidates me. I have the complete opposite relationship with him as I do with Papa. Whereas Papa has a little dark hair to cover his mostly bald head, Granddad has the softest white hair. It's clear that both of my parents inherited their brown eyes from their fathers.

I spring from my chair, thankful to stretch my legs, but also thankful to be with the people I love. There's solace in knowing that I'm not alone in this misery. "Hey," I say as I approach them. They both wrap their arms around me, and we are suddenly in a group hug.

Their bodies muffle my growing whimper. Like everything else in my life right now, it's not something I'm able to contain. The tears escaping my eyes increase in their rate of frequency and volume. The bricks that have taken occupancy on my lungs, making it impossible for me to catch my breath, seem to be pressing harder with every single breath.

Nothing's said. There's nothing to say. None of us are ready for what comes next. Even if my mom gets better, we have to bury my father. That's when I totally and completely lose control of me, of my mind, of my body.

***

WHEN I WAKE up, I pray that everything I just experienced was a nightmare, but it quickly becomes clear that isn't the case. I'm surrounded by my family in an unwelcoming, sterile room. It reminds me that I'm in the hospital...and fatherless.

I hear Memaw cry, "Thank God. Alex, you scared us."

Papa scolds her, "Give her some space."

I have never really heard them argue. I've heard him pick on her about getting onto him for his driving. The tensions are high in this room, and I feel guilty for my responsibility in it. We should be focused on my momma. Instead, everyone is fawning over me.

"I'm okay," I whisper. My mouth feels like all of the air has been sucked out by one of those things at the dentist and stuffed with cotton balls. "I wanna see my momma."

Grandma rubs my arm as she nods her head. She turns to Granddad. "Let's find out if Alex can see Felicia."

He leaves her side without a word. Papa swipes a tear that has dripped from my weepy eyes. It's only replaced by another, then another. "Papa?" I say.

"Yes'um?"

"You're going to need a bucket if you are trying to catch all of them." My chin quivers.

A small smile escapes. He nods as he pulls his hand away from my face. "You've always been a strong girl, Alex. So much more than we give you credit for."

I shake my head as I try to choke back the lump that has formed in my throat. "I don't feel very strong."

"Me, neither," he agrees. "Me, neither."

A few seconds later Granddad is back. He nods. "They said that we could go back to see Felicia two at a time."

Then I realize that they are her parents. They should get to see her before me. "You two can go. I can wait."

Granddad furrows his brows. "No." He gestures towards me and Grandma. "You two go first. I'll be fine."

I glance back to Memaw and Papa, and they both give me a reassuring look. Reassuring me about what, I don't know. That they will be fine, that mom will be fine, that I won't die from a broken heart? I'm just not sure, but whatever the reason, it comforts my soul.