No Place like Spamily (Editing & Ongoing)

Chapter 6

Oh, for Heaven Sake.

I didn't dare to peek at Oscar because I knew his eyes were flickering at me, just like they do in movies when you accidentally brush or touch someone else's hand or fingers they like. I kept my eyes from looking at him.

He must knew I was doing it because he cleared his throat, quickly pulled his arm away, taking the plate. "Let me get your menu," he told the lady and was off.

"So," the lady spoke up cheerfully once Oscar was out of ear shot. "This is Bella Mann. What kind of last name is that? Do you like even like it?"

Great, now I have to talk back to her. Okay, I can do this. I was prepared for thisㅡI wasn't prepared for this. I exhaled silently and looked at the lady. Her dark eyes smiled at me along with her closed smile. She had pink lips that stretched neatly and perfectly.

"Well, no," I answered, my voice softly hoarsed like Renee Zellweger.

"Why," she proded, interlocked her fingers on top of the table.

I didn't like talking about my life, well because it wasn't the one to be liked. I reached beneath my hair and scratched nervously behind my ear-(Habit I didn't like. I wonder how many marks I had behind my ear. Sometimes when my hair was trapped behind it to long, it got sore-) and cleared my throat. I must've looked hesitant because she said, "It's okay, Bella. You don't have to talk about right now. Some other time."

I looked up to her and held back a smile which made my throat tight. I chuckled. "Thank you," I hoarsed out again. Good thing Oscar didn't take my water. Maybe my throat was dry. I reached for it and ignored the coldness that went down my throat when I non-stoppingly gulped the water down.

"When you order we can get down to why we're here," Gloria announced in her business like voice. I was relived to hear it. Her match marker voice was small and angelic and sounded like a reporter asking question after question.

"Of course," the lady agreed. Oscar arrived with the menu a second later and handed it to her.

"Anything else?"

"Yes, I want whatever is good, which looks like the triple, diple burger. The combo annnd with the side of onion rings, extra fries, because on this menu here," she chuckled ever so fancy, "looks like ten pieces of fries and God knows I need more than ten pieces of fries. And a slice of lemon cake...oh and this milkshake with extra strawberries. Please and thank you." She beamed at Oscar as she handed back the menu ever so politely. She even gestured him away.

She exhaled deeply with a smile and clapsed her hands together. "So, down to business, shall we?"

Oh, God. Here we go.

I watched my social worker pull out some files from her brief case she had tucked under her feet and placed them onto the table in front of herself and the lady. She leaned against the table and reached over for my file first. Which mostly my social worker did, but I guess this lady wanted to see me on file for herself and why didn't Gloria stop her? I glanced at her and saw that she if she could slide the file back towards herself with her eyes, she could but she just smiled and crossed her hands on top of the other files.

The lady opened my file and I found myself slumping back against the booth. I wished my file was Top Secret and classified to certain civilians. What was in that file was the most disgustingness part of my life. I hated that part and wanted to kill myself for the part. Luckily, I couldn't tolerate that kinda pain.

I reached up and pretended to scratch at my eyebrow when really I was watching the lady's reaction. To my surprise, not one muscle flinched, her dark eyebrows didn't fury and her lips stayed closed together. Then that's when I wished I wasn't here.

I saw the corner of her eyes wrinkle. I didn't even know the lady, but she looked under forty, had no evidence of gray hair, not even at the temples- Yeah, she could use dye and make up to cover wrinkles, but I knew in my heart she wasn't old.

Did I just say 'in my heart'? What that fu...

Her dark eyes looked at me. I snuck down in my seat and made a slight sour expression, waiting for a frown, a hell no expression of some sort, but it was the opposite. She...smiled at me. My expression faded away and I rose myself back up.

"So," my social worker spoke before me. "What do you think?" I could tell she was nervous. And I think more nervous than I was. She would always take the fall when a family didn't accept me when they got ahold of my file themselves. She blamed herself. And I didn't really like that. It was my fault for it even getting into my records.

"I think," the lady paused, sighed and looked down at my file once more. Her smile that never disappeared inched away a little. I pressed my lips together and wiped a finger under my nose.

I knew it. She looked up at me then looked at Gloria. "we should speak in private for a few minutes." She looked at me, her eyes...now frowning. "You don't mind, do you, Bella?" She cocked her shoulder, flashing a quick smile. I felt my heart grow cold with sadness, guilt, stupidity, and no hope.

I managed a soft chuckle and a smile. "Sure," I said, trying to sound merry. "Let me just get out of your way...and..." I rose, but didn't look at Gloria. She didn't rise so I walked over her and this time she let me through.

I didn't know how in a hurry I was in until I heard something clatter to the ground. It made me yelp and jump. I looked down and saw Gloria reaching for her brief case slid out her lap when I was walking out the booth. "Oh, I'm sorry, Glor...I'm sorry." I sniffled, kneeled down to help gather what fell out but two hands stopped me.

"It's otay, Bella. We got it," the lady said, her voice sounding sincere and soft. She patted my hand and started picking up the stuff I was reaching for.

"Go outside, Bel. You look like you need some air," Gloria adviced me. She, too patted my other hand and started gathering the stuff.

"I'm sorry," I informed again, got up and sped walk to the entrance door. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't focus. My world was spinning with confusion. I almost bumped into someone who was entering the restaurant when I was exiting, but they dodged me before we could collide and held the door open for me.

The cool air hit me like a gushing wind when I was outside. I ran until my body inhaled all the fresh air it could, I stopped in the middle of the parking lot and exhaled all the air in my lungs. I kneeled over, resting my hands on my thighs. I felt shaky and my eyes were burning from the tears I was holding in them.

Why did I want to cry? Why did I want to cry over that lady? Was she even worth it? I knew it wasn't the time to tell whether or not she was, but was she? I knew I couldn't stop myself from asking that question either, because it became a habit. A dirty one.

Clearly, I am so totally messed up. I don't know how to feel anymore on any occasion. I don't know how to approach anything anymore. I don't know how to think clearly anymore. I don't know to feel a certain type of way. I can't tell what emotion I'm feeling perfectly. I just don't know anymore. I'm just a emotional wreck now and I think there's no cure for that. I don't know how to love anymore. I don't know how to trust someone anymore. All these anymore's are here now.

The only thing I grow to know is guilt, abandonment and stupidity.

Guilt comes with my past.

Abandonment comes with the families who disowned me.

Stupidity comes with from letting myself fall into another dark hole after another.

All those emotions just keep repeating itself and it's going to keep repeating itself until I stopped it from doing so.

Could I do it?

'What kills you makes you stronger.'

I guess I wasn't letting them kill me, because maybe I just bonded with them and let me live inside me.

I hugged myself after I felt a sudden chill in the air. I took place sitting on the island full of glass in the intersection of the parking lot not far from the restaurant entrance. I sat with my legs criss-crossed and my back hunched over so I could pick at the tweets, twigs and grass and so my hair could curtain my face once it slid over my arms and shoulders. The air was slightly cooler than it was before and felt damp. I shivered and tightened my arms around myself.