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• • • • •
Four months passed, and winter bled into spring, which bled into summer.
Josh hated that he was pursuing Kat, and not telling her about his feelings. He needed to, his marriage was in crisis mode with him staying there. He hadn't confided in her yet, but he knew he would have to soon.
But his dumbass just kept putting it off, like he had been for months.
Katarina had been in his life for a little over a year, but it felt like eons ago. She had already faded into his past, and they hadn't had a direct conversation with each other since their few exchanged text messages, just three days after their fall out.
The pictures on their instagrams were never deleted, still sitting there, and every now and then Josh would scroll down and look at his former happiness. It hurt. But it was his fault for getting so angry at her—she was right, neither of them were going to pursue their feelings, and Gelsey certainly hadn't done anything with Kat.
This would be his first performance since his leave in May. And again, he hadn't tried to make any contact with her. It was . . . It hurt too much to try.
When he came backstage, he was met with Katarina, and her eyes widened, and she turned, walking down the hallway, and away from him. She obviously hadn't expected his return.
After signing in, Josh put his phone, wallet, and keys in his safe drawer in his dressing room. He would have to get into his Pierre costume in about half an hour, and then the show would start an hour later.
It was lonelier here, when he wasn't surrounded by Katarina's laugh anymore. He hadn't heard her laugh in months, only because she would act different around him. Because of course she would, after everything he'd said to her. He couldn't even tell her his true feelings, of course he had to lie to her.
He sat down on his small couch, and put his face in his hands. It was times like this, where he hadn't been approached by anyone yet, that he cherished.
Slowly but surely, the tears started leaking out of his eyes, and his elbows soon rested on his knees, where he continued to weep into his hands. He wanted privacy for this, he needed to be alone for this.
His shoulders shook as he sobbed, for the pain he'd caused Katarina, the pain he'd caused for himself, for the mess he had made. And how he wasn't even doing anything about it.
Josh had weeped many times since the fall out. And yet was still scared of rejection from Katarina, but he was afraid of the result that would come out of breaking off his marriage.
Soon, though. Soon.
He'd do it soon enough. He hoped.
°°°°°
Being on stage again felt refreshingly natural.
Thankfully, much of Lucas's anger had subsided, and he and Josh were on good terms again. After Josh had gotten changed into his costume, Lucas stopped by to welcome Josh back to the show.
Katarina, though, had looked at him a couple of times. But it was more than what had become usual, and Josh cherished it. He had no idea when they would talk again, but he knew it would be soon.
"But if I die here tonight," Josh sang, "I die in my sleep."
Josh circled the staircase, getting lost in his song, Dust and Ashes, which made him feel nostalgic to the time where he and Katarina had shot the music video for the song. Josh looked around the stage as he sang, his eyes searched the crowd for her.
Though he did not find Katarina, he did see Kat, his wife, and a small smile came across his face. She mouthed, "You look good," To him, and winked, and he was glad he was about to do the finishing line, because then he could go over his feelings in his little area.
°°°°°
Katarina was glad no one was making some big speech before everyone went off stage.
Everyone had just done their bows, and she was ready to get to her dressing room and take off her costume before going home. Things were so weird now, and after Josh had taken a break, she had forgotten that he would come back.
Walking down the hallway with Lucas, she asked him, "Am I bad person for forgetting Josh went on a break?"
"No, not at all. I mean, some days it was easy to forget, but with your situation, I could see that happening," Lucas assured her, and they stopped in front of her dressing room. "Do you still want to get dinner tonight?"
"Yes, I'd love to," Katarina replied, smiling at Lucas. Looking at the pair and not knowing them, you'd think they were a couple, but they were just close friends. Some romantic things were done in a platonic manner between them, and Katarina was feeling happier now.
"I'll meet you at the front doors, then," Lucas gave her a joking bow, which made her giggle. Katarina turned, opening the door to her dressing room, and had just taken off her overcoat when a knock came to her door.
Frowning and thinking it was weird for Lucas to knock, she opened the door, and gaped, saying, "Josh."
Josh was standing in the hallway, looking at her nervously, and he said, "Hi, Katarina."
"Are you alright?" Katarina asked, and Josh looked panicked, and he said, "Just wanted to pop in," Before he ran off. Katarina felt disappointment rise up in her, and she shut her door, and continued to get dressed in her normal clothes.
When she returned her entire costume to the costume department, she met Lucas at the front doors, and said, "Josh came by my dressing room."
"What? What'd he say?" Lucas asked, and Katarina replied, "All he said was hi, and that he wanted to pop in. It was really weird."
"It was something," Lucas said, and Katarina sighed, and responded, "Compared to nothing."
Hooking his arm with hers, Lucas said, "Why don't we forget about it. Do some drunk karaoke."
"You do drunk karaoke, and I drive you home, basically?" Katarina asked, grinning at him. "Doesn't sound like such a bad idea."
"See? Perfect!" Lucas exclaimed, and Katarina got out her phone, and replied, "I'll text my mom to get out the blankets again."
"She must think I'm an alcoholic by now," Lucas joked, and Katarina replied, "Actually she does, but you're lucky she likes you, so it gets to pass."
Lucas laughed, and Katarina put her phone away, and the two went down the sidewalk, going towards the restaurant they always went to for drunk karaoke.
Josh stood behind them, watching them longingly. He wished he could have a relationship like that with them.
