Under the Willow Root

Chapter 39

"Do you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?"--Bill Watterson, Calvin And Hobbes

I spend the next week avoiding Luca. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be--I didn't realize before just how often we saw each other. I have more than a little trouble thinking up excuses. I miss him more than I want to admit, but I don't want to see him until I know what to say. I don't want to stop spending time with him, but I'm pretty sure it will be at least a lie of omission if I don't tell him I'm going to have to leave at some point. I could tell him, but tell him what, exactly? Certainly not the whole truth. But do I really want to risk getting attached when I know it can't go anywhere?

It's not a risk, I admit. I'm already attached. I guess the question is how badly do I want to hurt, and when? The smart thing to do would be to suck it up and break things off with Luca now, before my feelings for him get any deeper. But every time I try to imagine never seeing him again, I get sick to my stomach and my throat closes up.

Sadra, predictably, casts her vote for breaking it off. She's a lot more sympathetic than I thought she'd be, but she doesn't try to sugar coat the fact that being with him is a risk to our security as well as to my heart. I'm glad no one suggests I make a list of pros and cons, because I know exactly what the outcome would be. Everything points to letting him go, but I just...I don't want to. At all.

So I mope around the Temple, trying to delay the inevitable and infecting everyone with my crappy mood...until Luca shows up right outside my bedroom door looking like he's preparing to face a firing squad. I look around, but there's no one else, not even Kirit.

"Someone brought me up," Luca explains. "Feli, I think."

"Oh," I say. "She shouldn't have--she should have told you, I'm supposed to be in the studio."

"Actually, she said all your classes are done for the day," he says.

"Well, I need to practice," I mutter, avoiding his eyes. "This really isn't a good time--"

"Sasha, what's going on?" Luca demands. "Why have you been avoiding me? Is it because I made fun of your wig the other day? I--"

"No, you didn't do anything," I say, shaking my head vigorously.

"Then you don't deny that you've been avoiding me," Luca says.

I shake my head.

"Are you going to tell me why?" he asks.

I shake my head again. I whisper, "I can't."

"Well, then come with me," he says. "Let me distract you from whatever it is until you're ready to talk about it. I have something special that I want you to see."

I hesitate, but my self control melts when he takes my hand.

"Let me just change into something less...this," I say, motioning to my ratty, sweat-stained dance outfit with a weak laugh.

"No, that's good," Luca says. "I don't want you to ruin anything nice."

"What kind of 'something special' makes you worry about ruining my clothes?" I ask as I put my boots on.

"Secret," Luca says with slightly forced cheer.

I follow Luca through a section of the City I'm not familiar with. Opportunities for conversation should be thick on the ground, but nothing seems to feel right. It's like we're strangers again, bumbling through our first date, only now our cocktail of awkwardness includes ingredients like dread, disappointment, and guilt. It's awful. But his hand on mine feels so good. It's the only thing that keeps me from turning around and running for my life.

"Are we leaving the City?" I finally ask. "We're not going into the Terrace, are we?"

"Nearly," Luca says. "We're going to the Prince's kennels."

"Really? Why?"

"Secret," he says again, and we lapse back into uncomfortable silence.

When we arrive, I don't realize it at first. The kennels look more like a villa. I have no idea what kennels are supposed to look like, but I'm sure this isn't it. It's like a spa for dogs. Luca leads me through three different courtyards--one for each pack, he tells me--and into a small room lined with a thick layer of straw.

"Puppies!" I squeal, clutching Luca's arm. "Can I--"

"Go ahead," Luca chuckles, and I fall to my knees.

Six--no, seven--puppies throw themselves at me, many falling over themselves in their enthusiasm. I gather as many as I can into my arms and accept their smelly little puppy kisses, smiling rapturously all the while. Luca sits next to their mother and accepts a few kisses of his own as he watches me with a silly smile on his face. I cuddle the littlest one to my chest, cooing complete nonsense at it. The adorableness is so overwhelming I'm practically drunk with it.

"Luca, this is amazing," I sigh. "Thank you."

"That's Pretty Girl you have there," he says. "You like her?"

"I love her," I gush, kissing the top of the puppy's head.

"Good," he says. "Because she's yours."

"What?" I stare at him blankly. "What do you mean, mine?"

"She's the runt," Luca says. "I can't keep her as a hunter. So I'm giving her to you."

"Oh, Luca," I cry softly. "Luca, I can't."

"She can stay with me if you can't keep her at the Temple," he says quickly. "And you can come see her and play with her whenever you want, and I'll bring her with me and Kirit when we come to see you. You said you've never had a dog and...well, you should have a dog."

I bury my head in Pretty Girl's fur to hide my tears and she licks them away. It makes me cry harder. I feel Luca's hands on mine, gently pulling them away from Pretty Girl and bringing them to his chest.

"Sasha, tell me what's wrong," he pleads.

"I can't take her. I'm leaving," I sob.

"Leaving--but why? When?" he asks. His hands tighten in shock.

"I don't know," I say miserably. "Not exactly. It could be a few months, or it could be a year. And I can't tell you why."

"Are you in some kind of danger?" he asks.

"Yes, but I can't tell you more than that, so please don't ask," I beg.

"I understand," he says. "But--maybe I can help. You know I haven't been...forthcoming about some things. I didn't tell you because I wanted it to just be you and me, without any complications or--or expectations, or anything."

"Told me what?" I sniff.

"My name is Lucoran," he says. "I'm the Prince's brother--his half brother. He'll listen to me. He would help you. Whatever it is--whatever you need."