Shadows and Lights

Chapter 34

There's something that I need to get off of my chest. I don't really know what it is, but I can feel guilt eating away at me like acid. Gnawing and gnawing until it reaches my core, the guilt won't stop no matter what I do. Did I do something I shouldn't have? I can't recall, and it's starting to stress me. My temper is getting shorter, and those little moments when I'm about to lose my temper are only adding to the weight on my shoulders. I'm practically pulling out my hair in an effort to figure out what it is that I've done wrong. Have I bitten off more than I can chew?

I don't have time to be thinking about this. I have basketball again this afternoon, but now, for the morning, I have softball. I can't afford to be distracted. The day is already threatening to be hot, especially with catcher's gear on, and it's only eight or so. We can fit in two games, I think, before I need to go and then come back for our third game.

The clay beneath my cleats is familiar and warm. The dust that rises is earthier than what I'm used to, but pleasant in some strange way. I sigh and continue warming up our pitcher. She's a tall girl, taller than me, and slightly bigger, too, with long black hair and warm eyes. On the field, though, her eyes turn calculating. She's smart enough to not shake off my signs, and I know that if she does, it'll probably be because she knows the batter better than I do, despite the hours I devoted to watching previous games all week. In the end, we'll get along fine. She doesn't have any confidence issues I can name, but she won't use her rise ball in a game. It's got good height and she has excellent control, but I guess she isn't comfortable with it yet. I'm working on it.

I won't fail to call the right pitches, but there's one thing that's been bugging me since the beginning of the game. The utter silence of the other team is unnerving and unnatural. I get that it's disheartening to be hitless and have nothing but errors, but they aren't all that far behind. Okay, maybe I've exaggerated the difference in the score, but they still have hope. There's a lot of game left, plenty for them to take back what they've lost. Why are they so silent?

I call the next pitch, a drop, when both the pitcher and I realize the ball's going straight for the dirt. Runner on three and no outs? This is bad. I can't allow the run in as the ball gets into my glove. Something's wrong. Have we hit this batter? This runner? Cleats aim straight for my chest as I crouch down and do what I do best. After all, I know how to take a beating better than anyone I know.

I hate metal cleats. Always have. The spikes drag down the front of my chest protector and allow another inch of metal to claw at my chest. I take it in silence, ball firmly in my glove as I keep the runner several inches away from the plate. It isn't a close call at all. She's out, I'm aching, my pitcher is calm. Have they seen me play in games before Touou? It's nothing I'm not used to, but I can't dodge the concerned gazes directed my way. Bruises are a natural part of how I play.

By the time the game is over, I have so many new bruises, scraps, and cuts that I'm practically an entire injury. Coach Wantanabe has me take the time to clean them out, even if putting band-aids on them will only hinder me, and has the bleeding stop. We win, as predicted. Nobody has any complaints, so I must be doing my job pretty well.

The second game in this tournament of three is going to be more difficult than the first. The pitcher is tired, my outfielders are looking a bit slow, and the aching of my chest hasn't died down quite yet. We need to get fired up, we need to win, and I have to get anything that comes my way. It's okay the way things are, but only for these first few moments. It can't continue on past that, no matter how difficult it is to regain all the energy we've lost. I can feel a headache forming at the thought of another game and another Interhigh match. It'll be fine as long as I can continue on this way. I always have, and there's no reason to doubt my abilities now of all times. I'm carrying the weight of the wins we're wishing for.