Feelings Within

The Trigger (part 2)

I leaned against my locker, hugging my torso tightly, pulling my sleeves over my hands. I pulled my hood over my head, even though we weren't allowed hoodies in school. My hoodie blended well with my uniform; a white polo shirt, a tie and a dark, navy school jumper and my navy blazer.

Words swam in front of my eyes, screaming at me, beginning to tear and rip through my mind...

Liar... Liar... You're just a filthy liar... You disgust me... You only want attention...

The words began to pound into my head, beating louder and louder.

I covered my ears, trying to drown out the sounds of the silent words.

They kept coming, ripping through my head, echoing around me. They engulfed me and I couldn't see the brick floor anymore. I couldn't see the lockers or the tables scattered across the school grounds.

All I could hear was deafening silence as the voices in my mind tortured me endlessly.

~

I was screaming.

Tears ran down my face, hot and burning as my voice wavered. "Shut up! I'm not a liar! I'm telling the truth!"

I remembered. All of it. How my parents shouted at me for telling the truth. How they hit me when I wouldn't give in. How they would slap me and my little brother... I remembered how they looked at me; angered, disappointed, wondering why they had ended up with me. Regret.

I sunk to my knees and I screamed even louder as the words screamed back at me.

You're not as honest as we thought you were! You're a liar! You're living a fake life and no one should ever have to go through knowing you!

Again, they wailed, haunting me like banshees, the world beginning to spin around me.

Liar. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Whiny. Bitch. Thief. Slut. Freak. Fat. Loner.

I was drowning in a sea of screaming silence, the images of my past beginning to flash in front of me.

I was alone. I always have been. And I always will be.

No one really cared... They never did. They'd always find something else. I wasn't their top priority. No matter what, they'd always find something better. They'd never stick with me. Ever.

I lay my head against the ground and let my tears paint the cold bricks. My hands were shaking and my body was numb.

In my mind, I could see a river; a running river, glistening red under the grey moonlight of a midnight moon. Pure red and running rapidly, the river was strong. I stepped into it once and I was dragged down beneath the surface, feeling my body get snatched and pulled deeper into the depths of ruby red, deeper and deeper... Where no would find me.