Loving You Painfully - Michaeng (Completed)

Chapter 36 - Her Story (Unanimous Decision)

I really wanted her to say those words. Really. She was just there stared to my eyes, she can't even speak.

"You don't have a single reason for me to stay, huh?"

"I want you to be happy Unnie, that's all" You wanted me to be happy?

"Then let me go. That will make me happy" I was half crying saying that. I left her there, I stormed off. I cried while walking. I cried hard.

I stopped talking to Jihyo and Chaeyoung since that day. JYPE will be issuing the contract renewal of in March. I will not sign with them, I am sure now. I needed to clear my mind again. There was no one in the dorm that time. I packed my bag, I turned off my phone. I needed to be home. I didn't care about this anymore. I needed time. Before I hit the airport I stopped at someone's home. I rang the bell. He opened the door. I rushed to enter his living room.

"Bam, I need to fly home"

"Why, why? Something's happen?"

"No. Bam, listen to me" I held his hands. "I am not going to renew my contract, I am sure now"

"Why, why all of sudden, Mina please explain"

"My contract will expire this year. I just can't, it was too stuffy, I have no room to breath" I said it while crying.

"No, no you cant do this. Even so, you can run away like this. Did she, whoever is she, did she make you like this? Mina, you can't give this up for love. YA MINARI NO!"

"I really wanted to do it since years ago. Really, I tried so so hard, Bam. It's been 5 years since I declared that I wanted to ignore all of this, but I can't. I keep falling into the same hole. It hurt me deeply, Bam. You got to understand" I cried saying things like this.

"Minari......... Just tell her, she could probably have the same feeling as yours, we never know"

"We also never know that she might think that I am a crazy woman, right? What if she' doesn't feel the same then? I'll regret it, Bam. Let's not create a scenario in our head now, Bam. This is my reality, this is me creating a way out"

"Minari........."

"Don't say a word to anyone, okay? You are the only one who knows. I beg you, please. I need some time, I need to clear out my mind" By then, I let go of his hands. He can't still believe what I just told him.

"Minari" He called before I closed the door, I turned to him "Take care. Please don't do anything stupid"

I nod and closed his door. I hopped a plane to Osaka.

It's time to stop hanging on to someone who has no intentions of staying, who has no interest in being in my life or even being there for me in the slightest way. So, I'm done. You win. I'm done telling myself you must care about me when you clearly don't. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that maybe there are sparks around us.

I went home for a day, then I told Mom and Dad that I would be traveled to Wakkanai. They are the only two who knows that I wanted to visit that city since I was a little, especially in February.

Here I am, at the northernmost point of Japan. Looking at the sea. The sea that has no limitation. Reminiscing my youth day, the day I spent my time loving her. Only her. I could really spell out since the day I met her until the last time I saw her. Those memories are still on my mind, keep playing inside my head. I can't get it outside my mind, no matter how hard I try. Even when I am now in Wakkanai, the coldest place in Japan, my heart seems to be a lot colder. I even dreamt about you again last night.

I don't know why am I here actually. I am a very well planned person. I will stay here for 5 days perhaps, I don't really know too. I don't even know where to go, where to stay. Wakkanai only has a few attractions. Cape Soya, the northernmost point where maybe I would spend most of my time just staring here and Noshappu. It's a very quiet city. I don't really care tho, I just need a place to stay away from what happened. I need to be here. I need to enjoy this since I really wanted to be here since I was little. It was beautiful here. All I could see is snow everywhere. It does snow a lot in Hokaiddo. Snow, she really loves snow. Her again. Ah, please not her again.

A part of myself resent her so much, how can a human being make me suffer like this. But, I'm not saying this is your fault, no. It's mine. It's all my fault for stupidly trying to create something out of nothing. I wanted it so bad I kept trying to create something out of nothing.

I spend most of my time here just drinking, sleeping, watching the sea, breathing the winter air, Cape Soya, eating, strolling around Soya Hills, Cape Soya again, drinking sleeping. That's my cycle here. As I said I don't even know why I am here. I needed to clear out my mind, but as I try harder, my mind always screams her name again and again. I don't even want to visit the city center. Too pack for me, too many people. 

Until I wake up feeling enough. Enough with this shits. Enough with this feeling. I always wanted to visit Wakkanai but I am here wasting my life. I checked myself out this morning, I should live a little by visiting the city. To the places where I wanted to go, then I will go home. That's it.

I take my rental car, visiting Onuma, watching the bird immigrations. Then, I visit the Fukko Market, spend almost 15.000 yen just to eat seafood, I don't care, I should live like this. There are no other fresh crabs other than Wakkanai's crab. I should pay more for this. Then I go to the famous Wakkanai park, while I am at it, I also visit Hokumen Shrine, a historical place. I drive again till the end of the road to watch my favorite animal, penguins at Shiritsu Aquarium. Then I'll go home, I will start new, start fresh, adjusting my new life. A life without her. This is the way I cope to my realities.