I'm Still Ella (ft. Niall Horan)

Chapter 3 - Guilt

         Our food arrives, a special sort of brunch menu that looks very appetising, with a small bowl of soup, salad, chips and chicken prepared in a way that's looks really nice. We only get water to drink because Niall is driving and it's not fair I drink alcohol when he cannot.

I have to admit, even if the food is nice and the place comfortable, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth and it gets worse when I look at Niall. He's in front of me, smiling happily and looking excited, almost as if he had been looking forward this moment all his life when it's not even a proper date.

I can't say I knew Niall the best, we spent just a summer together. I never got to deeply know the boy I fell in love with, I was just starting to. However, something I did learn was that Niall is an honest person, very transparent and open. It's not difficult to realise what he's feeling or thinking, and he doesn't hide his emotions. He isn't the coward type and when there's something he wants, he goes for it. He opens his heart and says clearly what he wants.

I am a very different person, and it's not false modesty when I say I'm not great either. I'm very human, very flawed. I am selfish and I put myself first, without fully considering the collateral damage of my decisions. I am narrow minded and stubborn, and it's hard for me to accept something that's different from what I think, it's really hard to accept I'm wrong about something I deeply care about or firmly believe in. I'm a coward when it comes to my own feelings, not knowing how to deal with them in an optimal way, getting scared of taking a step forward, and scared of commitment. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm not an amazing or charming person, certainly I'm not the best pick.

When I chose my own freedom and wellbeing, I didn't really consider how hard it was going to be for Niall. I told myself he would be better, he would move on easily, he had such a hectic life with a thousand better options out there. Moreover, I didn't think the time we spent together could mean that much to him as to leave a deep and ugly scar when we parted ways. I never imagined he would keep me in his thoughts for seven year, waiting to see me, hoping to have another chance. I never fathomed the impact I had caused in his life.

It's both so joyfully surprising and overwhelming.

I know I missed him, I know it was harder than I anticipated for me because I underestimated my own feelings for him. I don't regret it, but I reckon I never acknowledged the true extent of what he wad. It seems I also underestimated Niall's feelings and commitment.

As I eat my food now I think for the first time, seriously and with some regret, that I could've done things better. I knew that I couldn't properly stay with Niall, I was a toxic person by then and I needed to help myself first, but maybe I could've been less harsh. I could've kept in touch, I could've reached out for him first. I'm sure Ann would've helped me to get in touch with him if I wanted! But I never considered it. I cut all ties and never thought that I could've been gentler about it.

I regret that. Not my decision, I regret the pain I caused Niall that extended for more than I could have ever imagined.

"Is there anything wrong?" Niall asks, probably because I've been staring at my food for like five minutes without touching it. "Don't you like it? I can ask for another thing."

"No, no, it's not that," I reply, looking up and meeting his eyes. "I was just... caught thinking, that's all."

"What were you thinking about?" Niall asks, a little smile and honest curiosity in his eyes.

"That I underestimated us back then." Niall doesn't comment on what I said, he just stares at me in a silent request to elaborate further. "I thought it was just a summer romance, my first love. When I decided to break up I didn't think it would be hard to move on, that even after years we'd be in each other's minds. I never imagined that you would still harbour some hope to start over."