What He Needs

Chapter 15

Almost immediately, I felt him tense underneath me. He quickly sat up and pushed me back so that I was no longer pressed against him. His breathing faltered as he scooted as far away from me as possible with a panicked, "Wait!"

I watched as his eyes widened and a thin layer of sweat spread across his skin, making me frown with worry. My arousal vanished once the severity of the situation really kicked me in the face. He was having a panic attack, and I wanted to comfort him, but it was also obvious that he did not want me touching him right now.

"Hey, hey. Come on, now. Follow my breathing." I said instead, causing Winston's suddenly unfocused gaze to settle on me. I inched closer to him just so he could mock my respiring pattern, but I kept my hands to myself. He looked terrified as he stared at me and took in as much air as possible. His hands were clenched tightly at his sides and his knees were drawn up to his chest.

It took some time, but once Winston finally worked through his panic attack, he looked away from me sadly. I took that as my chance to move next to him and wrap my arms around his tense body. He buried his face into my chest and began to cry again.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled as I laid us down and placed his head on my chest. "I thought I'd be able to do this, but I just can't. I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. It's okay. We can just talk." I replied, placing a chaste kiss on his head top.

"I feel like such an idiot." Winston sighed after a few silent minutes passed. I continued to play with his hair while somehow feeling his pain as he remained tense in my embrace. I didn't like it.

"Why are you so hard on yourself?" I questioned, not wanting to belittle him, but needing to understand what was going on in that head of his.

"I'm not." He answered instantly.

"Yes, you are. In the weeks that I've spent with you, I've heard you call yourself a fuck up, an idiot, you've degraded yourself, you've said God hates you, and you've apologized more times than not. Why do you hate yourself so much?"

"I don't hate myself. I've just spoken to myself in a way that I see fit. You wouldn't understand."

"So help me understand then, Winston, because as much as it hurts you, it hurts me, even more, to hear you constantly diminish how great you actually are and not be able to do anything about it than offer my words. Why can't you see that you're amazing, kind, sexy as fuck-" I paused as he chuckled. "-and an all-around ideal partner to have?"

"You give me too much credit." Winston sighed as he finally looked up at me. "But I appreciate it. Maybe God doesn't hate me if he gave me an amazing man like you."

I grinned as I leaned down to kiss him, unable to suppress my craving for him. However, I didn't let it get too far despite how much I wanted to. We needed to seriously lay everything on the table because I didn't want what happened tonight to happen again. Winston didn't need to take three steps back every time we took two steps forward. So, with a final peck, I stared longingly at the man laying semi on top of me.

"What?" He questioned with bright eyes and tinted cheeks.

"Talk to me." I replied, making him sigh sadly, seeming to get the meaning behind my words.

"Okay. Where should I start?"

"Wherever you see fit."

"I guess I should start with my ex-boyfriend, right?" He questioned, but he looked away from me and laid his head back on my chest, so I assumed he didn't need me to answer. "Diego and I started dating in the tenth grade. He was the new, openly gay, student and I was my grade's president, so it was only right for me to be his peer mentor. I personally felt like we clicked the moment we made eye contact and I decided there and then that the boy was mine. He had to be smitten by me too or else he wouldn't have asked me out just two weeks after he had arrived.