Robin; Kids at 19

11

11

My heart skips a beat. I see El’s face judder with surprise. Courtney’s eyes return to the floor.

We let a full minute pass in silence while we all try to recapture out scattered thoughts. Finally I collect my self enough to be able to speak.

“What’s made you think about putting her up for adoption?” I ask timidly.

“Look at me! I can barely look after myself. How am I supposed to look after a baby as well?” She has no aggression in her voice; it is more self-pitying than anything.

“Why did you think we would be a good choice? I mean El is due like not even a month after you, we don’t know how to raise a child, so having two brand new babies to look after…it would be really intense.”

“I know. I know. I though you might want her because you can give her a life. I can’t give her anything and putting her into care would probably be better than staying with me but its not the same as having someone there who cares and loves twenty four seven like you both would.” She starts to pluck at strands of grass as she continues, “I’m confusing everything! What I mean is I am putting Immy up for adoption when she is born and as we all think that Robin is her dad I though I would ask if you would like to adopt her and give her a life that she couldn’t otherwise have”

“Oh Courtney! I’ll tell you right now that we will defiantly consider it.” Alayna breaks into the conversation.

“Really?”

They both look at me expectantly. I freeze like a rabbit in the headlights. Why was this a decision? Of corse I should end the conversation right now and accept to adopt Immy even if she subsequently turned out to be Noel’s because he sure as hell wouldn’t adopt her. And if she was mine? Well all the better. And Ignatius would have a sister, by documents or by blood, to play with and love.

“Yes”

Courtney looks relieved.

“Oh my goodness you guys. Honestly!” she starts to cry quietly and El moves over to rest an arm on her shoulder.

“Hey its okay.”

“I’m just so glad you haven’t said no yet” she bumbles using the sleeve of her outer cardigan to wipe he eyes. “I’ve been really scared about asking because it’s such a huge commitment to ask of someone.”

I nod my head in agreement.

“Yeah it is”

“Oh she’s kicking because she is happy,” Courtney murmurs.

“I bet she is. What were you thinking would happen if we did adopt her? I mean like would you want her to know you are her mother and would you want to see her and take her out and everything?” Alayna asks withdrawing her arm to rub her belly. Courtney shakes her head.

“No. You can tell her I’m her biological mother but I don’t want to be apart of her life. It will confuse her and she’ll hate me.”

“Why would she hate you?” I ask, genuinely curious as to how she reached this conclusion about a person who hadn’t even been born yet.

“Because I’m going to give her away. She will think I don’t love her but its because I love her that I have to give her up.”

 I understand what she is saying but the whole proposal of adopting Immy seems very sudden and rather daunting. Courtney wants us to take her as a daughter and raise her until she leaves for university then watch her back and help out for the rest of our lives. We would be there for her first steps, her first day of school, her first boyfriend, her graduation, her wedding and her children would call us Grandma and Granddad. And everything in-between. She would be our child who we’d put before anything else.