Saudade // c.h.

twenty-eight

I nodded as Hailey smiled and pulled open a drawer, instructing me to strip of my sweatshirt and sweats, as she searched through my piles of clothing for an appropriate outfit.

I nodded as I pulled my shirt over my head, Hailey handing me a knee length yellow sundress that once belonged to Emma (before I 'borrowed' it without her permission.)

"Put that on," Hailey said, sticking her hands in the pocket of her jeans, "and um-I'll do your makeup and hair for you if you'd like."

I smiled weakly and nodded as Hailey approached the door where she would exit my room, "wait," I said, clutching onto the back of Hailey's arm.

She turned around and faced me with a confused expression washed over her face as I flashed her another weak smile, "thank you."

Hailey shrugged and smiled in return as she made her way back out my door as I changed into the sundress.

+

To my surprise, Hailey ended up doing my makeup and hair in more of a 'proper style' then a 'Hailey style.'

"Living with my mom was really the only thing that taught me how to do hair and make up like this," Hailey said, stepping back from me as I closely examined my appearance in the mirror.

My brown hair had been pulled up into a perfectly neat bun and my makeup had been done neatly, in a more natural way.

I know it seemed like a lot of preparing just for Cal's mom, but considering the fact in how long it had been since I last saw her, I thought it was more appropriate for her to see me like this then in my 'I'm depressed' clothing.

"Thank you," I mouthed as I made my way towards the door.

"It was the least I could do," Hailey shrugged as I pressed my lips into a straight line and made my way towards the front door, grabbing the car keys.

"Be safe," Hailey instructed as I nodded and chuckled slightly, walking out the door, shutting it softly behind me.

+

Joy's house looked the same as it did the last time I saw it. In fact, the only difference was that a few roses had been planted by the mailbox, covering up the empty dirt spots.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly, running my fingers softly over the heart pebble that laid on my chest and walked towards the front door, listening closely to the sound of my black flats hitting the pavement driveway.

I softly pressed my knuckles against the wooden door as it opened up revealing Joy standing in front of me, only a about a few inches shorter then me.

A handkerchief was clutched in one hand and a telephone in the other.

"Oh Fay," Joy smiled weakly as she pulled me into a hug. And we both cried, not even taking a minute to exchange hellos.

The thing I found most comforting about Joy was that she understood the pain I was feeling. The pain of loss. The pain only us and the boys, along with Cal's family were feeling.

"I wanted to discuss a few things with you," Joy said taking a step back from me and leading me towards her dining table.

I sat down in a small wooden chair across from her as she pressed her lips into a thin line.

"So I'm obviously planing the funeral with Cal's sister but, I need a few speeches to be said and obviously all the boys will be saying one, and I was just wanting to ask if you could possibly fit in the time to show up and say one as well," Joy said.

I nodded slowly and looked down at my hands planted on my thighs, and sighed, "yeah."

"Thank you so much," Joy smiled, as she quickly whipped a few loose tears from the corner of her eyes. "I don't know what to do Fay, I just-I can't stand seeing his empty bed and his empty chair every single day."

I looked over at the empty wooden chair beside me that Joy was implying to and let out a soft sob.

I missed him so much.

"Do you mind if I visit his room?" I pleaded as Joy smiled generously, granting me permission to make my way up there.

I smiled thankfully and lifted myself from the chair, making my way towards Cal's room. I faced the closed wooden door before taking a deep breath and slowly opening it up and walking inside.

I had only been to Calum's room a few times, but I remembered it all so perfectly as soon as I stepped inside it.

I softly closed the door behind me and made my way around looking at the large amounts of band and soccer posters pinned up, messily against his walls and his small little soccer shoes and trophies lined up along the side of his dresser.

And there, as I sat down on his blue sheeted mattress, perfectly made and empty. I laid my eyes upon the same picture I have in my room, standing up neatly on Calum's bed stand beside a black alarm clock and lamp.

I allowed a few tears to slip as I made my way towards the dresser, opening up its drawers and pulling out of one Cal's old soccer jersey's with his last name imprinted on the back of the shirt.

I pressed the shirt against my face and inhaled his scent. It was still there-smelling like a mixture of cologne and him and I missed it so much, so I sobbed into the shirt as Joy slowly opened up the door and made her way towards me.

"Keep it," she smiled, "he would've probably gave it to you if he was still here. So you might as well take it."

I nodded, whipping my smudged makeup from under my eyes as Joy began to speak.

"You know what hurts the most?" Joy sighed, "hearing his alarm clock every morning and waiting for him to turn it off until you realize that he isn't going to and having to make breakfast every morning and stare at that empty chair, waiting for him to come down and sit, but knowing he isn't, and having to convince yourself ever morning while looking at his closed door that he's just sleeping and will be up soon-it hurts so much."

I stared down at my feet as Joy sobbed into the palm of her hands and sighed, "yeah, its pain and it's so unfair because it always has to hurt."

+

Sorry for any possible typos, I wrote this chapter on my phone. Btw sorry if I made u cry bc apparently I did, forgive me pls ily guys so much.

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