Loving You Painfully - Michaeng (Completed)

Chapter 19 - On My Way to Choose The Happiness

"Okay, take care"

"You too"

He then goes.

The past month, he's been nothing but gentle towards me. I thought he will run away hearing my confession. For some people, it'll be hard to even be friend with someone different from you. Yet, he still asks me out. Yet he's so persistent to wait for me.

Back at my table again. I sit still while watching others dance. One thing that I don't see for a while is Mina Unnie. Where is she?

Ah there she is. She, Jeongyeon Unnie, Nayeon Unnie are in on the same table, having some fun with booze. I just could see her from the far. I guess I'm too afraid, am I? Seeing her happy without me, somehow I am feeling a little jealous. Back then, I'm the one who makes her happy. Jeongyeon Unnie becomes her first call now. Jeongyeon Unnie is a person who could give you comfort with honesty. I mean, when Mina Unnie did something terrible, she won't hesitate to scold her right away, meanwhile, I'm the type who always comply with any kind of situation. I am indecisive, I am a Taurus, I said "it's up to you" all the time. When I said that, I mean every word,  because I'll be happy for whatever it is. Mina Unnie hates that I always say "it's up to you". Jeongeyon Unnie is a decisive type. She will decide on everything. I'm not jealous over Jeongyeon Unnie tho. She's dependable unlike me. 

Another comeback for Twice this fall. It's the time where we finally get together. A month and a half for the preparation. JYP himself gave us a song again after Signal in 2017. We're the 4 years old group now. It amazes us that we got to perform at the last line up, it means that really, we are now a senior. Through out this year, so many rookies are debut. They give us so much love by giving us their album. I still remember times when I knock the senior's room to give them our album. Now, it's somehow easy for us to win a music show, again thanks to our fans. Thank God that we're still in their heart after all these years.

Another comeback, another fansign, another tour. Time to act, time to be back in the game. Our closeness only limited for fans only, as our fans are happy seeing us together. After that, she could be the cold Mina Unnie again. I am somehow amazed by her action, she could act cold and ignorant to me but sometimes still see me deeply when we talk with her puppy eyes.

At the same time, Samuel also can't easily give up. If I was him, I would give up on a person like me. It's been almost 6 months since he's confessing his feelings to me. And he won't let me go. He always giving me attention in a very good way. Not annoyingly, again. He's so considerate towards me. He will leave a message on my phone if I could answer him, remind me not to forget to eat and sleep. Two things that I always forget lately. Every time he learned the facts about me, he always checks it to me. The way he's giving me time and effort is somehow so beautiful.

"Hi Noona, it's me. I believe you turn off your phone since you have a schedule in Jeju. It's been months that we don't see each other face to face. Yes, we have shared the stage for a few times, but to be honest, I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss listening to your story. It's going to be colder as we may enter the winter soon, your favorite season. Please wear thick clothes wherever you go out, and please don't be sick. Take as many vitamins as you can. Ah, Noona, I see you at the W magazine cover, you are, as expected, so beautiful. Alright, take care, Noona" When I hear his voice, my mood lifted up a bit. He could give me total support whenever I need. It's his last voice message to me.

It's all up to me actually, what my life would be, it's actually up to me, I will be the one who decides. I will be the one who decides at how many tears that fall in my life. I will be the one who decides my pattern, my career, I am also will be the one who decides whether I want to be happy or be in this situation for a long time. I need to think clearly. With our individual activities now, it's hard to see her again at the dorm. Even without it, she kind of refused to see me anyway. 

Mina Unnie is now in Gangwon-do taking a pictorial shoot. She's going to be there for 3 days, as she also taking a short break and having a vacation with her friend who lives in Gangneung. I know it from our group chats. Next thing I know, I am here. In front of her hotel in Gangwon. I drove here by myself. I text her. It's late, I know that she's already in the hotel. I ask her to meet near the beach. It's almost winter, but I love the beach at winter. Quite. I look at the beach, night beach has its vibe.

"Chaengie?"

I turn my back and smile to her.

"How come you're here? Do you have a schedule nearby as well?"

I shook my head, saying no.

"Did you come to see me, then?" She asks half joking.

"Yes"

She didn't expect my answer. "Really?" She confused.

"Can we eat? I'm hungry" Indeed, 3 hours driving sure tired me.

"Okay"

She takes me to a restaurant inside the hotel. The only one that opened at 11 pm.

"You should come early, I could take you to my friend's restaurant, they have the best seafood in Gangneung. You like seafood"

"It's okay" Seeing her again like this, sure making me miss her even more.

"Do you want more?" Mina Unnie ask.

"I will order it again if I'm not full yet" I smile at her. 

"It's the only one that opened, next time I will buy you something delicious, I promise. Oh, if you want to stay here for a night, we could visit my friend's restaurant in the morning then?

She always treats me with food back then. We could talk for hours in a convenience store.

I sip my soup and eat it. She also eats her meal in front of her. As I chew my food, I ask her who's busy sipping her soup.

"Unnie" She look at me "You don't need to buy me food from now on"

She's looking at me.

"You don't need to buy me food from now on" I tell her again. "Today will be the last time you treat me food. Next time, buy me just drink"

I said it because I want her to be her again. Her that I know. Her that could be someone I can comfortably talk to over drinks. 

"I'm happy having you beside me, Unnie" I say it again. It's the truth. 

I chew my food again. I know that she looks at me. I won't look at her, I could cry seeing her. She strokes my hair as I chew my food. And eat hers again. I know that she doesn't know how to respond me as well. She doesn't have to. She probably doesn't know what is going on here. She strokes my hair as I keep sipping my meal. Let her be like this, Unnie that always look at me as her dongsaeng. Her little sister. She might never know, how this time I went through a hard time because of her. She might never know how badly I am loving her. It's better to be like this. I don't want to ruin what we already have right now with some stupid feeling involve. She might never feel as much as I am.

I'm now going to answer the blank space that I've left empty for a long time. This has to stop, the unquestionable feeling has to stop. This is me decided to stop.