"It's Sad But It's True"

Not again...

I don't want to have to deal with this drama a third time. Fuck my life. Kept telling myself to get over you only cause I kept getting hurt. That's literally the only reason. But I couldn't even after the few months of trying to be a good friend. And that worked but I wasn't a best friend. Because you said we should try to friends first and then when you're ready and have more time then maybe just maybe we could try. Im not saying you lied. I'm not saying you joked. I'm just reliving all the things I hoped. I wanna hold you but at the same time I want you out of my life. You hurt me but you complete me. Fuck why is this all coming back?! I thought this was over, I thought this was through, but I guess I can't find anything better to do. When Cole starts to settle God throws a stone at me. I don't even wanna talk to you about this. It'll hurt more. And anything I would want you to say, will never be said cause the subject changes when I don't want it to. I would've sent a selfie back to you but you don't wanna see my face rn. You really don't. Keep checking my messenger and Snapchat wanting a text from you but it'll never be what I want. I learned that if you don't have expectations then you won't be upset but I had one too many. Out of all people I want you to notice my appearance the most because I do everything for you. I focus more in class for you, I'm practicing driving and getting my license for you, I buy new clothes and change my hair for you. I still have yet to learn that that never worked. It confuses me so much on how some random guy can come out of no where and you're already all over him and then there is that one guy that's like "hey? Do I get anything? Did you see me or check my progress?" Idk I shouldn't complain about this. I can tell that when you flirt I don't back because I'm afraid to get caught in this shit again. I never know what you want or when you want something. But every other guy in the world can. Sometimes you want me sometimes you don't. I would do anything you desired but a hint isn't enough cause like you said I'm ignorant. I'm sorry I'm being this way I didn't mean for it to happen. I just miss you and every time someone likes another, that person never feels the same, people make virginity and relationships sound and look so fucking important and especially you, you make me feel like I gotta win these things to succeed. Idk what else to type these things are just coming randomly idk what to say to you and you don't know what to say to me. All I saw was "me and you talk more than me and him" and I instantly thought you meant that guy and I thought "how the fuck is that supposed to help? And duh cause you just met him but pretty soon you're gonna be texting only him" I thought you were bing flirty with the cologne thing and the cuddle talk and leaning on me at the park and it made me want you and miss you but nope you take it all back. Is it because I didn't do anything back? I'm afraid. So afraid. I want everything perfect for you but in that process I ruin it all for you. I know we will never date cause you didn't object to it. You kept changing going the subject and didn't want anything to do with me. Now when I see you active I assume it's cause of him. Anytime some girl who seems to like me is with any other dude, I'm forgotten. Why can't I ever be thought about. I wanted to bring you a Pepsi at practice today but now I don't even wanna look at you or be near you cause I'll break down and make you annoyed and pissed off with me again. What do I not have that other guys do?! Clearly something cause I can't do shit right. This guy is slightly attractive and you're already kissing on him cause you're flirty. This is why I try to get over you. You hurt me without trying. Honestly from July to august I've been trying to get with alex but she lost interest and I wanted to be with someone who wanted me then you make me feel wanted and I'm dumped again. Quit playing with me even if you don't think you are or mean to? Why are you still here in my life when I want you out? Because I won't let you. And I don't know why. I don't know how or why all this time I still feel this way...my favorite song is "Not in that Way" and I sing it always. It's by sam smith and it's how all my relationships work. Every damn time. Why do I always fall for the girls who are a pain in the ass? No offensive I'm just furious. Furious with life for throwing this shit back at me.