"It's Sad But It's True"

Trapped

That first part was pretty long so I'll just add another. I suppose this is my new place for my journal entries. I keep looking for my phone and keep checking it every few minutes. We both wanna talk, we both want a message from each other. I'm stuck in a box here. I don't know what to say or do, I just have her on my mind. Not just cause of what I've been reading, just cause it's hard avoiding her. She's her. So much I want to catch her up on. I saw a new Black Panther trailer and I screamed and wanted to talk about marvel, I've been playing with butterfly knives a lot and can do a few tricks, it's like my own stress ball. I want to show her a drawing I made for her but it's not done. At least I don't think so. I'm Afraid to even like her pictures. When I respond to her messages, after seeing her message next to the "do not disturb" sign I look at how long ago I got the message and read it 3 times to know exactly what she says. I say so little back but behind those I'm screaming "that drawing is amazing I would buy that from you!", "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the YMCA I'd probably be awkward anyway", "I would've loved to go to the beach with you guys and take silly photos and make new memories!"
So many things I wanna type and say to her and make her relived that I'm not gone completely. I feel gone. I feel like she's gone. But she's not. She keeps showing back up. I'm not blaming her for it. It's hard for me too. It probably is more difficult for me too cause I'm in the process of trying to get these feelings to die down. I would love to have her yes but it would be so much better for us if I didn't feel this way. I've went through so much pain and torture and now that I completely understand it, I'm accepting and understanding what's better off. I know one day, maybe not even that far from now I'll come back. I know I will. It would be impossible not to. I read everything in her story. She defines things so greatly and it made me shake. Not even the stuff about me. It made me finally see through her Wes the suffering and agony and pain she's had to crawl through. My eyes began to rain and flow down my cheeks. I had goosebumps I really did. It was breath taking what she had to say. She should try becoming a poet. Even though she wants to be a bar tender.

Now I'm about to go to the YMCA with her and some friends. I'll be honest I'm quite skeptical about this. It's nothing against her but I'm afraid to be stuck here any longer. I'm Afraid to take any risks. Of course I'm excited to see her and I'm terrified as well. I'm already coming up with a script of how we will talk when she shows up. I can't be imagining this already. Just focus on having a good time.