"It's Sad But It's True"

Feelings

Been a day since our last parts of our stories. Feels like months somehow. I miss them already. And I haven't let out some thought and felt I needed to. Me and her have moved so fast we are already texting just randomly when we want. We were once afraid of that. I love talking to her. I really do but now idk seems like the excitement of it died pretty quickly. We were dying to talk. Now we talk. Now what. I had so much fun at the pool. I wanted more days like that too. I'm seeing her tomorrow cause it's her cousins last day in Washington so we are going to get ice cream. Something is already telling me I'll be on my phone. I can't do that. Last time I was suspended from my phone and look where it got me. Fucking talk. Be social. Bleh life is too short to be awkward. Today I was in Portland spending the morning with griffin getting breakfast and going to art stores. I saw a few interesting things everywhere and my first thought was I wish michayla was here to see this. Am I moving to fast? She's coming back into my life and I want nothing more than to have that but am I starting up again? I don't even know. I really do wanna go get ice cream and be an extra friend for her to have there. Hope her cousin has a good last day. Some things are making me wonder if I'm still stuck and getting more stuck or I'm being a friend just not used to it yet. I feel like both. Sometimes I come off flirty so it seems and I can't tell if it's on purpose or on accident. Some things I even get uncomfortable talking about. I'm screenshoting her pictures again and Idk if it's cause they are silly or it's the part of me that just loves and adored her face and just seeing her be her. I feel like I've performed a sin because I told myself originally I wouldn't even speak to you all summer. Even for a small thing. I can't do that. But I can't talk to her too much either. It's so stressful to my brain, stomach, heart, I'm confused and don't know what I'm feeling now. Maybe I'm just tired and can't think straight. I can't stop staring at my phone everyday and hoping her name pops up. When she talks negatively about herself I want to be brutally honest with my opinion but It's hard cause I wanna add flirty things sometimes and I just delete the whole message and re type. I fell asleep typing this whoops. I don't want her to feel like she needs to message me everyday too. Idk just I felt sorta bad at one point for that. I get all jumpy and excited when I get a text from her and hope every time my phone buzzes that it's from her. I love when I see "Mickeyluv_13 sent a message" or "Mickeyluv_13 added to My Kingdom Died/What Even". I like sleeping in so it gives her time to wake up and I see her name on my phone. I try not to listen to all those songs that remind me of her. I try to listen to songs that represent I'm fine and strong. I think because I'm a nerd and love superheroes, when she said I'm her hero that got me the most. That's probably my most favorite thing she has said. Doesn't even have to be a romantic way. That just made me smile like a fucking moron.

I wish you really could see yourself the way I do. You may not see things as "perfect" as I do. You may want to look sexy but I think you look beautiful. You may think you're a fuck up but to me I just see a sweet girl starting over and walking again to learn how to become herself again, with every baby step. You're just hurt, you don't know how to trust and that's fine. You'll get the hang of it again. This happens sometimes and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with making mistakes. I know you don't mean to. You just do what you think is best. And if wasn't best then try the other way. Sometimes we walk down wrong paths but if you believe in yourself you'll find your way back. And if you don't have faith in yourself, I do. I have so much faith in you. I get some signal from you that says you need care and support and I would love to. I will. You need it more than me. Some people don't know their values and strengths and that they have to power to get back up and tell life "you hit like a bitch." I realized I can do that. I support myself. And if I don't become and actor or artist I hope to become a motivational speaker because I have all these thoughts and theories I've learned and I know how the brain thinks and ticks and I know what's healthy and what's not. (Most of the time). Most people can't see any of that. People think everything is hopeless and everyone thinks bad of themselves when that's all just in their head. Everyone has trained their mind to think that way. If you train it to think positively, you'll be positive. Life happens for you, not to you. We wouldn't be living this life if we couldn't get through and those who push their problems aside, kill them selves or choose self harm, they are the weak that couldn't get support and motivation and guidance to push through and play this game called life the way it was meant to. I don't mean to call those people weak in a rude way. I know pain sucks and it hurts and our demons can grow so big we don't know what to do. We can't numb that shit. Not forever. FEAR, forget everything and run or face everything and rise. I also hate the word can't. "I can't dunk a basket ball" "I can't pass my test" "I can't make my make up look good". Bish you can't say can't. You fucking can do all that stuff. Tell yourself you can and you're halfway there.

It's been a week since the last day of school and this week has been busy. I didn't expect to get a text at all after last Friday. Now look, I'm going with her to get ice cream a week later. Never saw that coming. Also whenever I say something that makes her laugh it's idk like I got some point system. Like if she reacts positively then it's like I feel closer to her. I don't have a problem with seeing her just sometimes Im aching and feel like I'm holding something back. Like I want to say something or do something. But like it can't break free. I think it might be the feelings. The way I feel inside. That lust and desire and enthusiastic need of wanting to be held. Slowly starting to poison me. First it comes from my heart then passed down to my other arteries and then I'll soon feel it in my legs cause I feel like I can't walk, like I've walked so far to get to where I am with her. It'll ache in my arms and hands trying to crawl when my legs stop working and try to reach her and take her hand. Then it'll eventually reach my head and fuck with me and I'll think even more stuff and it'll make me feel a thousand things and then I'll write those things down and I'll repeat the same chapter I've read over and over and tell the same story. You can read the next chapter if you keep re reading the last. Maybe I'm scared of what happens in the next chapter cause this one is suspenseful. A red flag. Something's bound to happen. I don't want to die in the next chapter. But the suffering in the last is so interesting and grabs you like a hook because you don't know if all he has in his power will be enough. Every story should have a happy ending but I can't get past the climax. I even spent an hour getting ready and looking the best I can just for her. Whats that for, expect to get her attention? When I was talking to summer about her and summer said she's cool. My inner voice said "yes, that's the woman I l..." "the girl I fell for..." but what I actually said is "Yeah. She is really cool."