"It's Sad But It's True"

My Journal Entries

Yesterday, May 19th, I told you to avoid me. Now I might be regretting having you avoid me. And some of that stuff I wrote I probably should've kept to myself. I honestly don't what to think and I don't know if I want to. Ugh I really wish I ran into you later. I'm over reacting, I'm sorry I am. I don't mean to at all but I REALLY REALLY like you a lot. I still have trouble telling how you feel with the back and forth. I forget all the positive things like everyone else does. I keep comparing myself and somehow have gotten to thinking I'm less than others. I hate getting these strong feelings cause then I just become this train wreck and unbearable. I apologize for the drama I've caused and all the over reacting I've done. My biggest "want" is to be with you and make you happy. The fact that I can't do that, upsets me. I spent most of my year chasing you so now that's it's over I have to get back to actual life doing real things and I'm stuck thinking "where do I go now?" I almost forgot what it's like to just focus on actual life instead of love life. I remember me saying I want you to keep flirting and whatever and said i wouldn't get hurt. I guess I just said that cause I would've done or said anything for you to give me attention and make me think "she likes me". I think I'm really just dragging you down now and making you feel sorry. You shouldn't have to for anything. I mean the only thing you'd have to apologize about is leading me on but i told you too so my pain is my own fault. I try not to look forward to anything once this drama with me is over. I don't expect you to be ready, I don't expect me to fully over you, I don't expect to talk much or at all, I don't expect to be more confident later. Honestly can't even look at Madison or sometimes mikial for that matter. Sometimes not even Abby. My crying has turned into once a day. Literally. Doesn't even have to be a lot, just like a tear or two. The way my Heart beats for you, i can't put anyone else ahead of you, like fuck dude. The only way the pain would've stopped would end up causing you the pain to be with me. I'm so frustrated with half the things you say cause it doesn't make sense. My stomach hurts constantly. When I see Izzy, man I don't how the fuck it's so easy for him, Michayla, I really don't. I try so hard to look down and try not to look around for you cause I know it'll hurt but part of me just wants to see you again. I see angels shinning heavens light down on you when I see your face. If I see you walking down the hall there is like an imaginary red carpet beneath your feet. Sometimes I dream of having you and making you the happiest you ever could be, making all your dreams come true and other times I have terrible ones where I get thrown away like I never came into your life. You know how we always remember the negative things? Now the positive things kill me, everything amazing and sweet you've said to me makes me smile for a second and then it dies instantly. Idk what to believe cause it's back and forth so often. The butterflies that fill my stomach and heart when I see you, I want to just hold you, look into your eyes, and tell everything my heart is feeling. If I ever feel something like this again idk how I should deal with it. I've felt this way twice and two years in a row. How the hell am I still standing?

This is just another night. And you can't even hear me say this but I miss you Michayla. Somehow you may hear it if you ever think of me.

I'm sorry for all this...I have been a pain in the ass. I'm sorry if any of this is not fun to read, I care barley read shit like this from people and it's rare when they do. I still look at your pictures. Sometimes Instagram. Can't help checking on you. Wanna see what you're up to. I'm supposed to have no contact with you at all, even look at your social media. I can't help it. I miss your face but I'm not allowed to see it. I'm staying after school every other day to work with ms eckleberry on my drawing. She was my favorite teacher at middle school and she came along to high school with me. I never got in one of her classes and she's leaving next year so I wanted to work with her on some final things. Anyway I remember that picture you sent me of your eye and you have just idk a specific eye. Most people you can somewhat tell them by their eyes but yours are so recognizable to me and so beautiful. I got lost in those more times than I could count. I got my mom to print a picture of your eye cause I wanted to draw it. Whether it be just for fun or for you. Even she eventually realized "I know that eye". So pretty you are, Michayla. I can't stop looking at you. If I feel confident enough with my drawing skills maybe I'll try to draw your full face someday. I'll make you look as gorgeous as I see you now. I always knew God was an artist, and he made you perfectly. No problems, no mistakes, but she thinks otherwise. Just an innocent girl trying to learn to walk when her knees are bleeding. Trying to get her life where it needs to be for her to feel on track again. Trying to heal. I see you threw gods eyes. I know I do. What I've said to you, making you feel bad for my suffering, I shouldn't have. I should've been more focused on the fact that you have your hands tied with your own issue and trying to fix it. I'm sorry for interfering.