Take these broken wings and teach them how to fly

This is the last time (I promise)

It had taken them some time to get together and while it had been difficult for him, he had waited until Dean was ready because Dean's well-being was what mattered most to him. It had come awfully close to being already over when Dean had attempted suicide and it had scared the shit out of Cas.

What if his love for Dean wasn't enough?

What if he wasn't enough?

*~*

Even though they were in a hospital, Castiel felt like nothing much happened. Maybe it was because his back was turned to the door, maybe it was because he didn't care what was happening around him.

What did the saved lives matter to him? What did the deaths matter? What did the love, the pain, the heartbreak matter? Those things were all happening to other people, it didn't affect him personally and he could continue living without knowing about all those stories because why the hell should he care?

Maybe he was jealous because all of those people were feeling so much while he felt nothing at all. Somewhere deep inside of him was love, sure, and he was in pain too but it felt like he was numb and he didn't feel anything at all. Nothing.

He wanted to feel. He wanted it so badly, he hated not being able to feel anything at all and it was wearing him down and he was trying so hard to just feel more than this numbness but... He couldn't. Seeing Dean everyday, seeing the love of his life so still and motionless was killing him.

It was a surprise that he had managed to go through all of this once before and that he had managed it way better than he did now. Back then he had cried, he had begged, he had prayed that his boyfriend would wake up but now he didn't pray.

In what kind of god should he trust if Dean was just taken from him again? He had thought Dean would never have to go through all of this again, he had thought the two of them finally had a future together without this much heartbreak.

He knew that there would never be a life without heartbreak, it was something that was a part of living and growing but Dean had had to go through too much and it was too much for anybody. The worst thing was that Dean had finally been getting better.

Once again he wished he would just read Dean's letter and know what was written inside of it but he couldn't bring himself to do that. It would mean that he accepted that he wouldn't get Dean back and that wasn't the truth, he wanted Dean back so bad. Still, the temptation was overwhelming and the letter was practically mocking him with how it was lying on the bedside table.

But no. He would wait. Dean would wake up and tell him everything that was written inside that letter. It would be fine and he would be fine and Dean would be fine and they would be happy and they would go and live somewhere where nobody would annoy them.

Maybe they would get a dog. Cas knew that Dean was a dog person and also was allergic to cats which made dogs the better option, no matter what he himself liked better - because he definitely liked cats better. Maybe he would be able to convince Dean to get a cat though, it wouldn't even have to be in the house at all times. He didn't think Dean would deny him anything that made him happy, so it would be quite easy to convince him to get a cat.

They would probably invite Sam over from time to time, too. Maybe that Uncle Bobby Dean has been talking about. Maybe Jody and her husband. Maybe his brothers - if he ever should talk to them again.

Well, maybe he could invite Samandriel and Balthazar - they had already visited him and those two had been the only ones he had really been getting along with. He would like it if Gabriel would show up but he doubted it, his brother hardly cared about anything.