My Bipolar Journal

July 9th 2017, The Day He Died

July 9, 2017

My dog passed away today very suddenly. He turned blue and was rushed to the ER vet who immediately placed him in a box with oxygen. He never left that box alive. He had congestive heart failure that had progressed so quickly there was nothing we could do but hope. It seems a little strange to wish so hard for a dog to survive, but if you are an animal lover you understand that it's not losing a pet, but a family member.

I bond with my animals in a way that losing them is far more than tragic. Its world shattering, life altering and it changes me every single time. It's a commitment I make every time I adopt another fur person, another child. I know people wonder how or why we have the large family we do, but it's because these fur children's souls belong aligned with ours. Sometimes it is as though they seek us out. It was written in the stars. They are more than even family, but a part of who we are and how we cope or evolve while they are in our lives; so much to the point that when we lose them, parts of us die with them. I can barely begin to breathe normal again until the heartache slams across my chest and I question why. Why so soon after the last one?

I don't often post about my daily life, not any more especially after being bullied awhile back without provocation. It's why I have gone silent over the months and only repost memes occasionally. That was okay for me, because I always turn to my family, my fur children and they support me where humans fail me. You see, animals never stop loving you. They always need you. They make you the most important thing in their world because without you they can't survive or thrive.

I have posted a bit about my animals over the years and had always planned on doing more for them. I keep their ashes close. I even count the minutes until they are returned home to me, because dead or alive they are my precious babies and I will always need them near.

Morgan was a rescue cat. She was the first cat we ever owned as a couple and she was a hero. As a black cat she was overlooked, even though she fed another cats kittens to save them when that mom couldn't. She was an interesting soul who sold us on her cuddles that after bringing her home we didn't see again until the last few years of her life. She had the most basic cat personality, but she had a few cute characteristics. After we brought her home she basically hid and ate and was mildly social. She wasn't the lap cat she acted like, and most notably she was too proud to play. Until I figured out that she liked hide and seek boxes. A cardboard box with holes cut out and toys like foil balls and mice inside. She would pull them all out while we slept and act innocent in the morning. During the last few years of her life she must have known her time was getting near because she very suddenly became the cuddle cat she faked us out to be. She let us have those last couple years with her the way we had hoped for in the beginning. By the time she reached 20, she went blind and passed away a few months later.

Jordan was a kitten we adopted from a pet center. Fully declawed Jordan never liked to consistently use the cat box. We made huge changes over the years to make his life easier and ours less messy. He was with us for about 17 years before he passed. He was my snuggle cat, he was smart and knew how to play fetch. He was shy around new people and pretty much set up camp in my room for the later part of his life, but he was always by my side when I went to sleep. There were times I didn't know how to sleep without his purring because he was that loud purr cat that sounded like a motor. He was the weirdo cat who loved his belly rubbed and preferred his long hair shaved off. He actually tolerated it quite well and his entire behavior changed to show how much he enjoyed it. He was MY kitten, he slept in my arms every night until I realized he'd spend the next 17 years having to be close. He would lie on our bed in between us and if he wasn't being cuddled close he had his paw on you so you never forgot he was there. He was highly codependent, and I thought when he passed it would be one of the worst days of my life, but he grew so ill so quickly, and was gone so fast. It was easier to let him go than to watch him suffer or to put him through any treatments that couldn't have helped him to bounce back enough for a quality life. We suspect he had a fast spreading cancer, but it could have just been old age hit him hard and fast also. He was close until the very end.