I hate myself so much...
I shouldn't have told him...
I shouldn't have cried...
I....whenever people irl flirt with me....
I feel really bad....
Note that people flirting with me happens sometimes...
Yea i know "as if.."
But they do and i feel bad...
I feel bad because...
I still hate my image...
I hate it so much...
I pretend to my parents "i dont really care how i look"
And i dont...but when i look at myself...
I think .."should i even try?....itll look awful like always anyways..."
I hate looking at myself...
I hate to think how others see me...
I wonder...if all the beautiful people i have for friends and best friends...ever feel ashamed of me....
Cause im the ugly duckling among swans....
I know...someone will think im over reacting...
Someone will disown me...
Call me fake...
Call me an attention whore...
Call me emo ..
Call me a typical teen/woman...
But i cant help it...
I was talking to my friend about this.....and i cried...
He kept asking what was wrong...and i didnt tell me...i didnt want him to know...he was the type of person who think id overreact....
But i eventually did...
Cause he didnt stop bothering me...
He told me that i should be more positive and not think about those things....
...
Do u think i want to think about those things? Do u think i want to hate myself?
Do u think i want to kill myself all the time and feel horrible?
Because i try all the time....
But im not strong...
I know others have it way worse...
He told me the story of his family and stuff...
And it was awful...
And he said.."see..? I have it way worse than u and im not crying"
God...sometimes i hate him...
But hes a good friend...
He made it better...when i went to my 5th hour...he walked with me upstairs and left for his 5th hour...and he said "remember to think happy and be positive"
God ur an ass but ur so cool to me..
Even if i dont deserve it...
Anyways...self image...
When i was a kid...everyone..made fun of me..everyone...mother..father...siblings who could barely speak...at one point a teacher...
Every student...
Even a kid who was fatter than me made fun of me...
Cause i have hair on my arms...
Yea ew about it in the comments...
"Woman arent suppose to have more hair than guys...woman are suppose to be skinny..."
I was treated poorly as a child by so many people it ruined how i looked at myself...
I didnt even have friends then ...
I do now...
And im alive still...
Because of them...
And when i thunk of suicide...like today...
I think..."well what about them....i cant leave them...even if society throws me out...with my friends we can form pur own small society...where everyone can be themselves.."
I was also...gonna cut...i havent cut in a long time.....but i wrote this instead...
It somewhat helped...
I dont wanna cut anymore...
Im just tired....
Of life...
So i think maybe...
Maybe...not 100%
Im going to bed...
Gn..
