Until the Day

23 | swore we would never die

          "The subway, then?"

          "There wouldn't be any need for that. Walking is fine."

          She sighs. "And we're doing all of this for a cheeseburger?"

          I quirk an eyebrow, taking the first step forward when the light finally flashes green. "It's not just a cheeseburger; we're talking about the cheeseburger. We go there all the time when we can and when we don't feel like eating at McDonald's." She chuckles, shaking her head, walking next to me. "It's more expensive, sure, but it feels like real food. It looks exactly the same as it does on adverts."

          "You know what your mother would say about this."

          I press my lips together, exhaling deeply through my nose. "Obviously, but I've been trying to cut back on meat; it's just that I have these . . . cravings for cheeseburgers every now and then, especially since I came here. I need my cheeseburgers, Ma, even if she wouldn't be particularly proud of me for eating them this often."

          "Well, I doubt she'd be as angry as you think she'd be, honestly." It's my turn to sigh. "It's just food. There are more important values she'd want you to have and you have them, honey. You've been doing a great job."

          That's what I've been trying to convince myself of for the past six months, but the doubts are always there, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the right moment to strike. I've never been particularly insecure—at least, I don't think so, and I know myself better than anyone else—but the person I've turned into both shocks and disgusts me. I know everyone doubts themselves sometimes, but I've been stuck in this state of mind for way too long and I fear it might become permanent.

          It's only when Ma speaks again that I realize I kept walking without her, leaving her behind. I spin around, with the wind blasting my hair against my cheek as I do so, and find her standing by the entrance of the restaurant I had been looking for, but had missed thanks to being lost in thought. She asks me whether this is the place or not, as everything looks pretty tasty on the photos, and I slowly nod, letting her make her way inside first.

          The air inside is warm and the smell of fries and fried onions immediately reaches my nostrils, reminding me of how hungry I actually am. They have some killer strawberry smoothies here, making me wish I had invited Juliet to come along with us, but she has her own stuff to take care of back at the campus and this might be an opportunity to enjoy some quality time with my mother.

          When a waitress points us to a vacant table and hands us our menus, I decide I don't want to make things gloomier than they already are by asking her to elaborate on what Bishop's parents told her. I can only imagine they must have thought horrors about my absence, even though I've been trying to be there for the three of them, but things ended up almost reaching a point of no return, after which I'd be feeling utterly miserable over not being able to do anything to help them.

          I had to back away. Maybe it's my fault I don't know how to deal with moribund people after what happened to Mother, but I had to distance myself from all the negativity and the dark clouds surrounding that hospital room, even if he's getting better now. I'm really, really glad he is, as everyone can probably breathe of relief now, but I know we'll still have to walk on eggshells around him once he comes back—if he comes back.

          I've heard them talk about their ambivalence over letting him go back to college, even if he still has a lot to catch up on and there are still plenty of tests to be taken, not to mention his finals. They're worried the virus or the bacteria might still be around, despite no one else having fallen sick, and we've tried to make them see that, but the indecision is still there.