21) 'Being Spied Upon By Someone You Thought You Could Trust' And Other...

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21) 'Being Spied Upon By Someone You Thought You Could Trust' And Other Situations That Will Never Be Any Less Distressing

Now that Mr and Mrs Emsworth knew about their son being in a relationship with the local Dutch delinquent, it was incredibly easy for the boys to leave the house for a date. They only had to say, "We're eating out," and they were free to go. On the condition that they return before nine, of course.

For once, though, Benjamin wasn't fooled. He knew they worried. He knew they let the relationship flourish under basis of a) having neither the guts nor the initiative to state otherwise b) shock at their son dating c) shock at their son interacting with anyone other than the social parameciums, really d) guilt at not having really started on the 'reforming' process yet. They left it up to Benjamin. He knew. And it'd work—for now.

Adding to this, he thought, in the midst of a math exam, was the final element: e, a.k.a, Thijmen being a complete and utter mystery.


Why did he like Benjamin? Why was he here? Why anything? It was like dating an Agatha Christie book. Like dating this math exam. When Benjamin handed it in, it was, indeed, just like the hypothetical list of things he did know about the Dutch buy: empty. It'd be an F for sure. If Thijmen got more than a C, he'd flip out.

Once the class ended, lunch began and people went to cry at the bathroom stalls, Benjamin's squad went into their usual formation at the usual spot. Heston's finger was rooted deeply in its usual nostril.

Martin stroked the folds out of his sleeves before asking, "So did you lose your virginity yet, Ben?"

"No," answered Pi.

"How do you know?" asked Heston. "Were you there?"

"I'm just saying, let's not talk about this while we're eating? Please?"

Messiah was, surprisingly enough, sitting with them. He happened to be making posters, too: STOP HETERONORMATIVE RAINBOWS.

"What even," mumbled Pi.

Martin waved this off. "Anyway, Pi, guys talk about sex all the time. It's normal. 'Oh, I did Becky, I did Stacy, I stole Stephanie's bra'. It's normal. It's normal guy talk."

"You're really getting around, aren't you?" said Heston. "You're not talking about my sister Stephanie, right? She doesn't believe in bras."

"How can you not believe in bras?" asked Messiah.

"How can you not believe in the moon?" asked Pi.

"Why do I sit with you all?" wondered Benjamin out loud.

This got the table thinking, and, judging from the following silence, they seemed to get to the same conclusion: because they had no other option.

"So are you still a virgin?" asked Martin.

Pi groaned.

Figuring it was best to just end this already, Benjamin replied, "Yes."

Martin actually sighed. What even was the fixation on Benjamin's relationships? On Thijmen? Why not just get a girlfriend? If he were to say this out loud, though, it'd just cause more drama. Conversations about the belief—or lack thereof—of female underwear could seem odd on just about every realm of existence, but at least they were better. More impersonal.

"Guys, I'm in second place," said Heston.

"With what?"

"Ben got kissed first."

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