The Ludicrous Misadventures of the Space Pirate Captain Locke

Captain's Log | On-board Time: 10:02 | Galactic Year: 1.3035

-Receiving Transmission-

"Jennaaa... how's my favorite artificial intelligence doing this lovely space-evening?"

-I am well, Captain-

"Good, excellent! That's just what I wanted to hear Jenna. So, down to business: I need to update the historical log."

-Historical log opened, please begin speaking at the sound of the tone-

*beep*

"Ahem. This is Captain James Locke reporting. The UEC General Tullis ordered my company to dispatch a hive of Mantid Crawlers on the terra-earth, Nova 11. The colony was a large Class-B swarm, but my men were up for the challenge. We purged the infestation in one clean frontal-assault."

-Confirmed. Please report the names of all deceased soldiers-

"Casualties? Under my command? You listen here, Jenna: I don't let my brothers die to those reactive-armor fuckers if I have anything to say about it. You let the UEC know that I'm not like their other reckless captains. James Locke doesn't lose, and he certainly doesn't lead his men towards their untimely demise."

-Confirmed. Initiating lifeform scan of Nova 11-

-Processing-

-Data retrieved: 58% of all life-signatures have been eradicated from the planet's surface. 453,230 Mantid Crawlers have been eliminated. The Class-B infestation on Nova 11 has been vanquished-

"We cleaned 'em out like space roaches in an off-world cantina. It was a hell of a fight."

-Congratulations Captain. I shall notify General Tullis at once-

"Why thank you, Jenna. Shall we celebrate the spoils of my incredible victory over an extravagant meal? I just want to take you out to somewhere fancy, then lead you back to my apartment -- where we can gaze into each other's eyes for the rest of the night, while drinking my best wine..."

-As I have previously stated twelve other times, captain: I was programmed to simulate cognitive decision-making, not for emotional comprehension-

"It's my life's goal to teach a robot how to love, Jenna. You're like a chrome toaster: Dull on the outside, but deep inside you is the warm, buttered-toast of love. It's there, just waiting for someone to sweep it off its feet and carry it to the breakfast table of desire."

-Buttered... toast of... metaphoric interpretation failed-

"There isn't an ounce of estrogen within this entire battlecruiser, Jenna. It's lonely being trapped in this sausagefest battlecruiser for years on-end. Please ask Tullis to send some more female cadets the next time he reinforces my barracks--for the love of Zera."

-Confirmed. I am currently analyzing your moral behavior, captain. My data suggests that female cadets would be at a personal risk under your command. If I was authorized to file a verbal harassment suit against you, I would delegate the trial myself immediately-

"Hahaha! I knew you had some jokes in that hard drive of yours somewhere. Though, I can never really tell if you are being serious or not..."

-End of transmission-

Daniel's jaw had managed to drop even farther than before, his expression was dumbfounded, and slightly repulsed. The video of the young, handsome James Locke was just a distant memory of the horrible cyborg he had witnessed in the previous transmission.

From what he could tell, James was a massively narcissistic and annoying human being--but he could not deny his talent. A successful purge of a Class-B infestation was no small feat, and he had managed to save his entire company in combat. Most other generals could stand to lose fifty to a hundred men before even considering retreat on the same mission.

General Boxford chuckled uncontrollably from his chair. He seemed to be enjoying himself a bit too much on the review of Locke's files. He forced himself to stop laughing, and took a moment to breathe. He murmured 'buttered-toast of love' one last time before turning towards Daniel.

"Looks like the rumors of Locke's eccentric personality were not over-exaggerated by his colleagues."

"Eccentric? Eccentric?" Daniel scoffed at his statement, "He's downright psychotic! He didn't change at all, he was a nut-job from day one. He was flirting with the shipboard computer. How does a man like that get through Interstellar Combat Training without passing the mental fortitude check?"

General Boxford's expression became immediately displeased. Daniel frowned, wishing he could take back his words.

"He is definitely a bit off, but realize that this man was one of the most important soldiers to have ever fought against the Mantid swarms," Boxford explained. He pulled up a holographic page of Locke's UEC record from his terminal white muttering under his breath. "The man could understand the way those buggers thought--the way they planned their attacks."

"See, look here: 'Three separate mental fortitude checks by three different physicians determined that James Locke's cognitive reasoning and personality traits were all within the desirable parameters.'" Boxford nodded his head while skimming through the rest of the statistics, "He was as healthy as a Felhound."

Daniel's brow furrowed, looking slightly confused. "Then, his strange personality was just..."

Boxford gave a thin smile, his mind had pieced together the evidence into a theory.

"Locke's unusual actions were merely a coping mechanism for some unseen, inner-dread. His act was merely a facade."

>>>New transmissions every Tuesday and Thursday!

>>>Thank you for reading, and I will see you all in the next installment.

-J.J.