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Genre: Adventure
Summary: Who was she? The daughter of the wanted criminal? Or the unknown girl who has lost her past? Who was she?
It's the year 2034.
The Javerdiens. A name that sends chills down the spine of every American.
They are ruthless. They target the innocent, kill the gullible and attack the unsuspecting. One by one, every state of America is coming under the rule of sinners. Greed runs in their veins, and they are thirsty for power.
But rugged determination and burning passion stands against the evil.
Sandy. Just Sandy. A girl who was mercilessly abandoned at the age of five. With every question she tries to answer, it leads her closer to the nation's enemy.
A suspected daughter of a Javerdien criminal, she holds the key to the fall of the enemy. But the mistakes she once committed comes back to haunt her, and she hangs between fate and the duty to rescue her nation.
Will she be able to find herself? And will she save the nation?
Or will her questions perish together with her soul?
Read to find out more.
COVER [8/10]: the cover is fabulous! It's professional and intense, giving a vague idea to the readers what they're going to get when they click on. Definitely a keeper. It conveys the title eloquently and is a sure fire way to pull readers.
SUMMARY [7/10]: the summary is mostly to the point. We learn Sandy has to face the choice between betraying her true family or saving the country she loves most. It gives the main plot, but when you click onto the book the first thing we see in the book is the synopsis, giving a ton of the characters backstories.
As an author you shouldn’t have to introduce the characters in the synopsis. You should be able to properly convey them through the story, not through a lazy paragraph most readers will skip. The characters and synopsis and unnecessary in a book. If they want to know the characters they’ll read the actual book. This is something that turns off readers like me. I debated skipping it because as an author you haven’t made any emotional connection with the reader yet. Am I supposed to care about these people? No. That’s what the plot is for.
GRAMMAR [8/10]: The grammar was pretty good, except for awkward phrasing and dialogue tags. Awkward sentence - “His tonality made something churn in me.” That . . . makes no sense. Maybe, “The tone of his voice made my stomach churn.” That would make plenty more sense.
Dialogue tag error - “‘Sir.’ I greet.” This is an incorrect statement. It should be, “‘Sir,’ I greet.”
PLOT [5/10]: The plot was confusing. The first chapter (the first ACTUAL chapter) is the main character trying to escape . . . something? Your writing, while beautiful, makes no sense. The setting is never established and the characters appear suddenly. It’s hard to tell the dialogue apart and it’s confusing. She says she’s running away but decides to stay? Was she lying? Then PErcy takes her home and we’re given his perspective which adds nothing for the plot.
After going through what seems like meaningless filler, we finally get to the main conflict, AKA, when she finds out (remembers?) that she’s the (possible?) daughter of the Javerdiens, or the enemies of America. It’s really sudden, with no set up at all. You have such a beautiful writing style, but it’s wasted if the story is the most impossible thing to follow in history. Her mission is to betray her parents or something, and she agrees without hesitation? Sandy’s character is wishy washy, not consistent at all. What bothered me the most was the lack of organization.
Where were they? Why did Sandy live with Percy? Why were the Javerdiens enemies in the first place? How did she escape? Why would she betray her family? What the hell is going on? Elegant writing can’t cover up the amount of plot inconsistencies and errors.
CHARACTERS [4/10]: I hate to be the person to say this, but your characters are bland. There is nothing original about any of the characters. They all blend together, nothing sticking out or making them unique. Not to mention they all are inconsistent. Sandy’s emotional responses aren’t believable in the least. She goes from “remembering” she’s the daughter of the enemy to agreeing to take them down? No remorse or anything.
You need to make the story clearer, organized, and then fix those characters. They need pizzazz.
OVERALL [5/10]: Overall, the writing style was beautiful. For example, “The round moon stares at us, its white glow seemingly staring into the dark, blue sky.” The description is pretty good. That’s pretty much the only reason the rating is a five and not a four. Without a good cast of characters and a consistent storyline that isn’t jumbled, you don’t have a novel. You have a person who whisked together a story with enough flaws to fill a canteen.
If you ever rewrite it, I might read it. For now, you have some work to do, darling.
