Critique Care

The Fourth Patient

Blank Space by Author_Destiny

The diagnosis is only based on my perspective. Forgive me for I might be blatant with my words. Whatever the result of your critique may be, use this as a stepping stone in your writing experience.

Title
Mukhang fan-fiction ng isang Swiftie. Nevertheless, I won't mark it down as long as it's going to be related with the storyline.

     Cover

Manga covers are not my cup of tea, but the edit itself is good. Just put your username below since the cover still serves as your trademark.

     Genre

This is not how I think your novel will go. 'Ni sex, wala dito. (Gan'yan kalaswa ang mga general fictions. However, I still respect people writing in this type of field.) Change this into romance or teen-fiction instead.

     Blurb

If you choose to write a one-liner blurb, make the statement stronger. I didn't even see the relation of your blurb with the story's title, lalo na sa book cover.

     Plot
Nothing to say here yet. I don't know what to expect since your work is a walking bafflement.

     Content
The narrator tends to be a spoiled brat. Refrain from using English and Filipino in a sentence. E.g. Let's go to the mall mamaya.

Kung sa simula pa lang gan'un na ang dating ng libro mo, paano ko 'to matitiis sa susunod na mga kabanata?

The earlier you can fix the better. This is applicable since you only published a part of your story.

I don't think Queen is the main character of your story, so why did you use her scene as your prologue? 

This is the first time I'm saying this. Palitan mo ang buong prologo mo. Make sure that there will be a relevance with the plot. It was entertaining, but was it necessary?

I was confused with this scene because of the lack of words. 

Akala ko tuloy naging Encantadia na iyon dahil kulang ang deskripsyon mo. You should've told us they're portraying those characters. You're not making a script for pete's sake.

     Characterization
Queen is the school's queen bee. The usual yada yada.

Natalo pa ang bibe sa pagiging "pabibe" nila May at ang mga kaklase niya.

     Dialogues
Parang awa mo na. Don't use "huhuhu"s and "hahaha"s in dialogues. Try saying those out loud, and you'll sound like a monkey hungry for bananas. Besides, it's never ever effective. Honestly, I'm trying to stop myself from cussing. Baka kung ano lang ang ma-type ko.

Don't emphasize words with capitalization. Mukha kasi puro sigaw lang ang alam nila, mga palengkera't palengkero ba sila?

Another is never use a hyphen to refer who the speaker is.

Instead of this ---> "Hi." -Jane
Do this ---> Hi," Jane greeted.

Never be a lazy narrator. Iyong iba naman kasi sa libro mo, tama ang pagkakasulat.

I have nothing against bolding dialogues, but I don't really recommend this to writers. It's not necessary to highlight conversations since narration is important as well.

     Technicalities
Join all sentences (about the foundation day) in one paragraph. What's the use of separating them if they only have the same subject?

Bakit.
Buhay.
Pa.
Iyang
Emoticon?!

Nakakita talaga ako ng halimaw. [Looks at the emoticon.]

I thought there's only one but there are lots of them. You created an army of emoticons in your novel, congrats! (Take note of my sarcasm.) Remove them o or I'll let Duterte shoot pointblank each one.

Everyone has their own jeje days. It's just that... emoticons are so 2015. 'Wag mo nang pausuhin sa mga newbies.

There are some paragraphs that are indented. Some are neglected. It's up to you whether you want indentions or not; you have to pick one.

Watch out for inconsistencies of verb tenses, too.

    Point of view
No problem with this.

     Show versus tell
Wattpad's now allowing images to be posted, not just in the media section.

This is showing in the wrong way. Describing with words are way powerful than pictures. (Ironic, because I'm using this for informal writing, like right now.)

Other scenes are so-so.

     Overall
I hate to say this but givin' you a three. In order for me to lend a hand, you must learn how to help yourself first.

Hello, Author_Destiny! If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Approach me for any questions or clarifications. (I feel like there are things I'm not able to explain much.) Let me know once you saw this critique already.

Sa mga nagaabang di'yan... this completes the first lineup of Critique Care!