Insensate

The End

It's cold. The sky was grey and hazy and it was raining lightly. The scent of rain on the ground filled the air. Good thing it was a Sunday because now I can go back to sleep. I lay down on my bed and look out the window. The trees swayed gently as the rain hit. A chill ran through my body so I pulled the blanket over me. If only every morning began like this. I'm not usually awake at this hour, especially on the weekend. I love the feeling of the cold weather, the dull atmosphere, the petrichor, and the warmth of my blanket. They reminded me of when I was a child, of the dreams I used to have, of the things I thought I'd do. The person I thought I'd become. Oh well.

I'm not very old you know. Just a quarter of a century has passed since I first took breath. But I feel ancient. Everyone I saw was trying something new. Eager and energetic. They all seemed so full of life. And here I was, living like I was on life support, waiting for someone to pull the plug.

My decision was set. I'd been thinking about it for a long time. I wasn't going to be around for another birthday, a quarter was long enough. There was no reason to prolong this mundane existence. I had no real friends and I was not in a relationship. I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for. I do have a family, but I don't think they'll miss me much. I've never really done anything for them except make their lives miserable with my misery. I wasn't interested in getting married or having kids. The very thought left me feeling suffocated. I wasn't getting anywhere with my job, I didn't even like it. So this was it. Today would be the last of it. I loved this morning though, I was almost grateful for it. I watched the raindrops hit the leaves some more before falling asleep again.

It was almost noon when I woke up. It was brighter outside with wet patches on the ground but the air was still cool. I made some tea and toast and sat down to check the news on my phone. Nothing out of the ordinary. People were dying, getting sick and getting better, being outraged and getting triggered. The usual stuff. I did the dishes and sat down again. I had nothing planned besides the one thing.
I spent the day watching YouTube videos one after the other. That feeling of suffocation was back but I talked myself out of it. It would all end soon so there wasn't anything to worry about. I didn't bother with dinner when night came.

I had thought about how I would do this. I didn't want anything messy and nothing too painful either. A bunch of pills and alcohol should do the trick. I set them all out. The pills themselves should finish me but I wanted to be absolutely sure.

I swallowed one and almost puked it out. It was very bitter but I kept going. My eyes started to tear up. I downed the alcohol after I was done with pills. I felt dizzy and had to hold on to the table to stand up. I needed to turn out the lights or I wouldn't be able to sleep. I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep at all with the way my head hurt but I really hoped I could. There was a bright white flash right after I switched off the lights, followed by thunder. It was pouring outside. That's nice. That'll help. I crashed on the bed, my head facing the window. The rain and the sway of the trees helped clear my mind. I closed my eyes and focused on the sound. I didn't think of anything else. After a while, I didn't think at all.