Lady Eilean

Chapter 22

"You asked me once what I wanted. Do you remember?"

"I do," he nodded.

"More. I want more. Only, I don't know what 'more' is, or what it means. But I know it when I see it. Ian offering me lessons, the night of Walther's fake wedding..." I looked back down at my plate, hoping to hide my reddening cheeks. "Calum offered me a morsel of 'more' when he bent the knee. So I took it."

"Friendship? Maybe that's it. Or power. Control. All those could be the 'more' for you." Alex suggested.

I nodded, my thoughts threading along beside his, "The appearance of control, at least. Circumstances outside my control dictated every moment of my life... before the war, it was my family. The fear of their judgment, my shame at being the odd one out. Then, when they left, hunger and survival. Until the moment Calum went to his knees, I forgot I had control. That I could command my life. So, I said yes to Calum and now hope to make up for lost time."

I smiled, feeling the sadness etched across my face. The defeat of years of missed opportunities.

"You understand none of this is your fault, right?" Alex asked, voice breaking. His eyes were heavy, his brows tugged low. He hunched forward, leaning over the desk.

I didn't have an answer for him. So much of it felt like my fault. It was hard to untangle the blame from my shame at not being better. I huffed out a laugh and gestured to the account books.

"Well, I certainly didn't spend the money," I tried to deflect his concern with ridicule.

"No. All of it. Everything you hold like a weight around your neck... the inadequacy you imagine, the hopelessness. You did the best you could with the tools you had."

I ducked my head, the perpetual embarrassment of my lifetime of ignorance warming my cheeks. "Ian tried, but his lessons were not sufficient —"

"You never gave up, Eilean. That's the important thing."

"What does effort count for?" I sighed, chin trembling. "A failure is a failure, effort notwithstanding."

"You're not a failure." Alex reached across the desk and grabbed my hand, he tugged on it, forcing me to meet his gaze. I did so reluctantly. "The people of Stormway love you, I can see it plain as day."

"I let them stave," I protested, unwilling to accept praise.

"You helped them survive. Did you lose anyone? Did anyone die from hunger or sickness?"

My cheeks burned as I shook my head, "No."

"How is that a failure?" Alex whispered, face softening.

"We almost starved. If you hadn't arrived, if Calum hadn't shown up out of the blue —"

"You knew when to ask for help, and from whom to ask for it. Thank the gods for Calum. His men helped keep you alive when I could not. He bought me time while I was stranded in the middle of the sea. You made a good alliance, two of them, and you should be proud, Eilean."

It was impossible to feel any satisfaction. Impossible to accept this kindness and understanding. I had been stupid and clueless. It was only luck that we had survived; not my skill or intelligence. Biting my lip to waylay the threat of tears, I looked at the fire, saying nothing.

After a few minutes, Alex cleared his throat. "So, do you want the bad news?"

"Is that why you were complimenting me?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. My belly was full enough and my toes warm enough that I could chase away the spiderwebs of self-doubt to tease him. If only to lift my own gloomy spirits.