guarding the heart

chapter 26: Reconcile

A half hour later

It had been a half hour since Rachel had pushed past Finn and secluded herself in Kurt's room. She was almost past the flowing tears, heaving sobs and endless use of Kleenex to blow her nose. Now, she simply laid on top of Kurt's bed, staring up at the ceiling without even seeing it, her argument – no, fight– with Finn still swirling around through her mind.

She wasn't completely surprised they had exploded at each other; even during the horrible break-up last year they never had a really bad or super serious dispute with each other. Rachel wasn't deluded into thinking that loving couples didn't have quarrels. She knew her fathers loved each other very much and they could cause the walls to shake with some of the disagreements they'd had, their shouting voices echoing through the house. So no, the argument itself didn't surprise her.

The viciousness, however, completely floored her. Not so much from Finn as she had seen flashes of his temper in the last two years, and also realized how deeply hurt he must have been from her actions last year, as well as when she had turned him down in New York. It was never her intention to hurt him that severely either time. No, what shocked her more was how malicious her own words and counter-arguments were. Rachel had prided herself on her ability to forgive and forget, giving people several chances to make amends with her despite prior hurts and grievances. It was why she and Quinn could now be said to be friends, it was why she and Kurt were all but inseparable, and it was why she was willing to listen to Jesse and at least consider reuniting before ultimately deciding she'd rather just be friends. Her heart would never let her consider anyone but Finn in that role.

Never would it have occurred to her she could get so angry and say such spiteful, hurtful things to the boy she loved. To bring up every single issue they'd gone through and throw each one in his face, highlighting everything he did wrong, was definitely not the mature way to handle things. True, he'd done it as well, but she really thought if it ever happened she would be the voice of reason and steer things back into a constructive, problem solving discussion rather than succumb to taunts, shoves and punches.

How wrong she was. Every ounce of pain, worry, dread, fear, frustration and concern she'd ever held for the lumbering quarterback came out all at once. They'd matched each other back and forth, airing out all the dirty laundry from the last two years of near misses, stolen kisses, and unfulfilled wishes. It was surprising to her they were still together as a couple for all the crap they'd put each other through.

Then Finn landed the bombshell on her.

He'd been shot; not only had he been shot, he'd been forced to return fire and take someone's life. Finn was no longer the same sweet, innocent, naïve teenage boy she'd so fallen in love with. Now he was practically a man; a man who'd stared down death face to face and somehow lived to tell about it.

Everything regarding his behaviour since returning to McKinley immediately clicked into place. The more serious, studious demeanour, interest in military history, being more aware of his surroundings, unafraid to shed tears in Glee, and standing up to Bronson for her. His fearlessness regarding all of it could be traced back to this encounter of which he'd spoken. After such a harrowing, life-altering experience, she imagined nothing about high school would seem that daunting, not even confronting another six foot athlete throwing slushie facials and accepting his challenge to a fist fight.

But where did that leave her? Why could he face down such physical threats yet be afraid to inform her of such a monumental change in his life? Sure, maybe she would have had a hard time believing him at first, but the scar on his chest would be more than enough proof to verify his story.

A soft knock at Kurt's door alerted her to Finn's presence beyond the threshold. "Rach? Please answer me."

Rachel sighed and closed her eyes, turning her back to the door even though he couldn't see her. She wasn't sure she was ready to talk at that moment.