You found me [Captain Swan Fanfic]

Chapter 6

Emma never wanted to get fired. Yes, sometimes she didn't want to go to work, she wanted to have a break. But she would've done anything to avoid getting fired. It felt like an early retirement and the last thing she wanted was to retire. She sighed and sat on her bed. She stretched her arm and grabbed her laptop from the nightstand. Eventually, she'd run out of money. Eventually, she'd need a job. Eventually. Not now. But how much time would she need to get a job? It could be years. Or days. Maybe she should start looking for one. Or maybe she could change. Try something new.

Changes couldn't be that bad. A fresh start could be... refreshing. She promised herself to think about it and she closed her laptop. She got up the bed and went in the kitchen. She sat on the table like she usually did when she was bored. She took her phone from her back pocket and she connected it to the bluetooth speaker hanging on the wall. It took her a really long time to fix it there. At first she thought she should nail a plank on the wall and then put the speaker on it but she realized she could never nail something on the wall. Finally she just decided to nail two nails on the wall and she just placed the speaker on them and ever since, she prayed for the speaker to stay there and not to fall on the counter and break. It was really expensive.

She scrolled through her Spotify song library and Charlie Puth's Attention started to resonate in her apartment. Still sitting on the table, she started to awkwardly wiggle while singing the lyrics she knew.

She was fully conscious. She was conscious and she knew it. But somehow it all felt like a dream. How could Emma Swan, the one and only, be unemployed and feel stupidly happy while thinking of Killian? Yes, it was probably a dream. One that she did not want to wake up from. Maybe she could pretend a little more. She could just keep on dreaming until someone woke her up. Maybe no one would wake her up. Either way, it would be okay. She would be okay.

+++

Killian woke up with a horrible headache. He moaned and glanced at his phone. It was way too early to be drunk. Well, hungover, actually. He only recalled drinking one beer. He carefully got up, his head was really hurting. He looked around. Robin was sleeping on the couch, a rather loud snore coming out of his mouth that made Killian wonder how Regina could ever fall asleep. There were several beer cans on the floor. Killian frowned. He definitely did not recall drinking all of this. All of a sudden, Killian's blood pressure dropped, the pain in his brain vanished away. He fell onto the ground and his vision blurred. Then he heard indistinct voices and Killian was thrown back in the past.

There he was, seven years old again, back in their old house in Ireland. He was hiding behind the wall, afraid that his father would find him, hiding in the dark. Killian was afraid to breathe. He always got scared when his father shouted like this. Killian couldn't see, but he heard the thud. The loud thud that made him jump. He knew his father had once again hit the table with his fist. Maybe both. This kind of thing was happening more frequently and Killian knew that it was about his mother's death. He also knew it was about the drinking. Killian was only seven but he was no fool. And only a fool would not link all the alcohol his father has been drinking up with his scary behavior. Killian knew that Liam, who was thirteen, always tried to talk some sense out of their father, but it was never a great success.

"Father, you have to stop drinking. Please, I am not asking you, I am begging you."Liam tried.

A silence followed. Killian heard the sound of a liquid being poured in one's glass. He heard the ice cubes clinking against each other and he imagined Liam's eyes full of pain. His father wouldn't quit drinking. He knew it and so did Liam. His older brother simply did not want to give up on their father.

"Killian is scared by your behavior. He confides in me, you know. He wants to confide in you, too. But he can't. He needs a father. Not an older man in the house that goes by this title. He wants-"

"Don't make this about me being a bad father, Liam."he cut him off. "I'm trying. I've been trying for seven years. I'm just no good at it."

"Don't make this about Killian."Liam said. His tone was cold and Killian wondered if he could ever stand up to their father like Liam did every day. "You know-"

"But it is about him, Liam!"he cut him off again. "It is always about him. I've been trying to live like I would if she were still alive, but it is too hard."

Liam did not say anything else but Killian did not hear him leave the room. He knew that it was best to stay out of it. Killian did not know much about his mother and he didn't know a thing about her death. His father barely talked to him at all and he never spoke of Killian's mother. Killian heard the scraping of a chair on the floor and in his mind he saw Liam sit down to face their father.

"It has been hard, Liam"he went on. "You don't know, cause you never ask, but it's been hard. He looks so much like her. When I look at him, sometimes I see her. "

"So take advantage of that. Think of Killian as what's left of her."

"When I look at him, yes I see her but I also see the murderer of my wife."

Suddenly, the wall which Killian was leaning onto felt warm. Hot, even. Nothing compared to the coolness of his father's words. Killian felt as if a million knives stabbed him all together. Stabbed him and stabbed him again. Then the knives are gone and Killian is lying on the cold ground, bleeding. The pain is as strong as it's never been, the bleeding never seems to stop and yet, his father's words hurt him more than all the pain in the world ever could. Then the bleeding stopped but the pain grew even stronger after Killian listened to his father's following words.

"The doctors warned us. They said that she might not survive the delivery. Still, she chose to have the baby after I begged her not to. She reassured me and kept on saying that everything would be okay and that I would not regret her decision after the baby was born and after I have grown to love it. I chose to respect and accept her choice. On the day of your brother's birth, her soul decided to leave her body before she could even hold her baby in her arms. When I held Killian I was suddenly filled with grief but mostly with anger and maybe a little of hatred. At first, I hated the universe for giving such a cruel fate to my wife but then I think a little bit of that hatred turned against Killian. He was there lying in small bed, very much alive and my wife was being covered by a white sheet, very much dead. And I was there, staring at the both of them, not knowing what to feel. It was a life for another. A life for a life. A son for a wife. My son for my wife. At that very moment, I thought that If I could change things, I would've given up on that other child. I would've switched. I would've chosen differently. I would've rather had my wife live than my son. And Liam, you can't possibly understand the half of it, but sometimes I still wish so. And I hate myself for it. I do, I really do, but I just can't help it."

It was too much. Killian couldn't bear it. The tears were rolling down his cheeks and he wiped them away with his hand. He did not really care about being discovered. He did not really care about anything anymore. He always wished to find out how his mother had died but he could never imagine a worst way to. Killian let a sob out and he came out into the light. He faced his father and brother and the tears came back. He did not say anything. Neither did they. Killian was staring right into his father's eyes. He looked deep inside them. He was looking for all that hatred his father spoke of. What he found was even worse : nothing.

Killian didn't realize that the tears were back. This event had happened years ago and it was still very painful. Some wounds never heal. The truth about his mother's death was one of the many reasons Killian never spoke to anyone about his past in Ireland. Not even Robin. He wanted to forget those kind of memories so badly, sometimes it felt like they were not real. That his mind made them up. That's what Killian wanted to believe, but deep inside him, these memories were still fresh and it was the only thing that felt true. But these memories were part of a whole. Part of his hole. Part of him. They made who he was today. That, Killian couldn't deny, no matter how much he wanted to.