Deceptions & Secrets

Chapter 12: Baby Sister

The idea of having this new little brother or sister in my life had been like a ray of hope and joy shining on me, but just like that, that hope burned out. For over a year I had controlled my emotions, never letting anyone see me cry or break down, other than Tobias. But to lose another person I loved... to lose a baby brother or sister after I have already lost my twin brother... I didn't know how I could bear that. My voice was high and tight as I argued and begged, urging Mother to please reconsider, promising to find a way to keep the baby safe. But even as I blurted these wild promises, I knew that the only way I could keep the baby safe was to take down Marcus myself, and could I guarantee that? I don't even have a plan.

But there is a reason I had held back my emotion since that day, and there were consequences for my outburst-- real-world consequences. The guilt started with a clenching in the pit of my stomach and spread outward until my whole body just felt tired and defeated. Mother was sobbing, and I had caused it.

Mother didn't want to give the baby up, of course she didn't. I knew that, but if I hadn't, it would be clear now. I had been so overcome by my own devastation at the news that I forgot how much harder this must be for Mother. She was doing this for the baby and sacrificing her own joy, hope and dreams.

One day, she told me, I would understand a mother's love. And I know that she is right. It would be more selfish to keep the baby here and in danger.

Mother still believes that I plan to transfer to Dauntless, and why wouldn't she? I am still training, harder than before, even. I could never leave my mother alone with Marcus, even more devastated than she was losing Father and Caleb. I don't ever want to see Tobias again, anyway. Look at all we have lost now! The list becomes longer all the time, and Tobias is far from innocent in this. He pretended that he cared for me, for us. And then he just left us, alone to face Marcus's wrath. Every time I think about him, I can feel hatred building more and more in my heart.

But I do need the training. I will not allow this sickening abuse to go on forever. I have to find a way to save Mother from Marcus myself. I also need to be able to defend myself.

Besides our training and the continued "homeschooling" and usual very long list of chores, I have had some special subjects I have been studying, as well. When the time comes, Mother will deliver in the factionless sector, where Ruby and Daniel live. Daniel drives the trains, so the couple is more stable than many factionless. I have also gotten to know them well and am quite close with Ruby. Should I manage to take down Marcus for good, I am confident that Ruby would give the baby back to Mother. Mother has been through so much already.

In order to deliver there, though we have arrangements with a midwife that Ruby and Daniel trust, I have been training to assist in the birth. Honestly, I am not left with much time these days to be sad and angry, as there is so much to learn and do in order to protect my family. It's up to me now, and I will not run away from the challenge.

"Mother, I think it would be best if we went inside now. I don't want you getting sick out here in the cold, and I should finish the afternoon chores in case Marcus comes home earlier than expected." Mother nods and I help her to her feet, heading indoors with a plan to make her hot tea right away, to take away the chill of the January air.

+++o+++

The water running full blast in the kitchen sink drowns out the sound of the belt hitting Mother's skin upstairs, but can't quite cover her cries. My tears fall on the dishes and mix with the soapy water as I scrub them. I tried so hard to complete everything correctly, but it seems that there are more days that my work is inadequate than days which Marcus finds everything to be satisfactory. And when I fail, it is Mother who pays the price. I remind myself of what Mother told me: "There is nothing that we do to explain this. Marcus is a very sick man. He will always find a reason, and he will never stop." But each time, I worry that she cannot take much more, I worry what the long term consequences of this abuse could be for Mother and baby, both.