guarding the heart

Chapter 14: Coming to Terms

Finn dressed carefully into his new combat uniform. Oddly, he was glad to be getting away from the constant care and attention in the hospital. Last time he had been over-night in a hospital was his freshman year of high school (for a lung infection of all things), and at the time he had loved how pampered he had been, with meals delivered and nurses fussing all over him. Of course, he'd only been fourteen at the time so having a bunch of fresh-out-of-college nurse interns constantly seeing to his needs was almost a dream come true. This time it just plain annoyed him. He wanted to be up and about, active and contributing to something rather than feeling like a useless blob who had to lie still and do nothing for fear of re-injury. His dressing and stitches seemed to be working the way they were meant to, and his shoulder wasn't nearly as sore as before, but then again, that may have been the drugs and painkillers talking, so whatever.

He was no longer the same, naive high school student he'd been before. Too much had happened to him, both at Camp Grayling and here in Missouri. He knew now that he wanted to work somehow in the entertainment industry. He wasn't sure if he had the abilities to be a star, like Rachel did with that pitch-perfect voice of hers (not to mention well above-average dancing and acting), but he could learn everything about what happened behind the scenes. He was already adept at song writing, if his song at Nationals and collaboration with Omeasoo were any indications (that newer song really had turned out to be wicked-awesome, even if it was country-folk). He could play drums and was pretty good at arranging music and getting his ideas for other instruments across. He was a decent enough actor, when he needed to be, if Rachel's and Mr. Schuester's judgement could be trusted. If he also learned how to use sound and recording equipment or camera equipment, he was sure he could somehow, between all three, figure out how to make a living in this field. And even though it wasn't an easy career choice, the National Guard seemed like a good job to have to bring in money until he established himself. He was sure Burt and his Mom would scoff a bit at his decision since he couldn't easily transition that education into an established company or business, but he wasn't really a nine-to-five kinda guy anyway, if high school was any indication.

After ensuring he had all his belongings and properly dressing in his uniform, Finn sat in the waiting area for his Sergeant to come pick him up. This afternoon was the designated meeting he would have with the National Guard's Investigating Officer regarding his incident, which would also include a counsellor, his commanding officer and Sergeant Banks himself. He didn't think he was going to enjoy this meeting, but it was part of his duties as a soldier to cooperate, so he'd 'muscle through' as best as he was able.

While waiting, he fiddled with the letter that was intended for Rachel, trying to decide how he was going to be able to handle seeing her again after everything that had happened. The big question to him was how exactly she was going to handle knowing he'd become a killer. Try as anyone might to reassure him it was all in self-defence, and despite him logically knowing that was the case, he still could scarcely believe he'd actually done something so extreme as take another person's life. How exactly would Rachel regard him now? Kurt had told him about her remark on how much of a country-boy he was, unsure if he would ever fit into a big-city environment like New York. How would she react to discover that rather than a country-boy, he was more of a chameleon? That he was able to adapt to whatever circumstances he found himself in, even going so far as to end someone's life, when push came to shove? Could she accept that about him? Would she still see the tall, awkward, lumbering boy he used to be, the same one who desperately pleaded with her to rekindle their romance in New York after what was, perhaps, the best date he had ever given a girl? Would she see the love he still had for her underneath everything else?

Would she still see him as him?

The trouble with his questions was that he wasn't even sure he saw him as him still. He no longer felt like the awkward, lumbering giant-boy who had little direction or desire to do anything but play Xbox, and school sports and make out with his girlfriend. That Finn Hudson was an immature, unfocused, and meandering ass if he was honest. Finn realized as he sat there, staring at the blood soaked letter, he really didn't like who he'd been. It wasn't just the last six months of his junior year he regretted, it was his entirehigh school existence.