More than Anyone

Leaving

He's leaving. He was offered a freelance job. He'll travel all through the Middle East with a team of journalists whose works have been displayed in the media and in travel magazines. He wants to try his hand at this, to see if it's what he wants to do. It's exciting, and he's fortunate.

He tells me the news as we're sipping on coffee at Starbucks. He jogged the entire way to the hotel and woke me up with a text from outside. Giddy as can be, I complied and got decent enough in a wrap-knit sweater and yoga pants. I left the room bare-faced with a quick bun at my nape. He grinned when he saw me. One peck on my lips, and he didn't stop there. I shook him off, giggling, as he was making his way from my lashes to my nose.

It's like we can't be apart. Every waking moment he's there, hypnotizing me with his eyes and soft touches.

"When will you be back?" I ask. I dab a finger at the leftover crumbs from my scone. He takes my hand midair and dips the finger into his mouth. I narrow my lids. He pops a quick kiss on my wrist to soften the blow. I still don't like it when he steals my favorite bites. Now I'll just have to buy a new one and start over.

He's careful with his response. "Well, I'm not sure. Two or three months. It's a really long extensive trip to multiple countries." He stops talking just to watch me.

I try not to show my disappointment. "That's true. I'm sure it'll be a lot of work." I try to be nonchalant, but there's this sadness in me. Just when we're back to this, he has to go. Why does it always happen this way?

He reaches over to run his fingers over my cheek. I shift to lean on a palm and let him wander sweetly. This is me—always accommodating him. Anything to make him feel at ease so he won't run away.

"Will you miss me?" he whispers. I look past him, far out the window.

What does he want me to say? "Yes, and I'll wait right here until you're back"? Just when I think I've got him all to myself, he has to leave. But I'd be a horrible person if I said any of my thoughts that could ruin a lifetime opportunity. So, I smile like I always do and say, "Of course."

I feel like I've always waited on him. In the past, I yearned to get into his bones so he'd move and do, to get him to commit to us and dive right into this relationship.

I've carried the emotional aspect of this. I gave him attention, empathy, and patience, while he gave me headaches and some pieces of him he'd take right back. I'd starve from him. The moments he would give me were slip-ups, like he couldn't hold back anymore. I'd think we were finally getting somewhere just to have my heart ripped again.

It was exhausting.

It's definitely not the same now. I feel it. I see it in his actions. But I worry it'll eventually be like it used to be. When will he slip away? I wait and wait.

It's Saturday, and just as he said, the night after that Monday, and all the nights after, have been his. We've met every evening after work for two weeks. I'd leave the elevator, and he'd be waiting for me. Every time, his hand would reach for mine, and every time, my heart would speed up.

Our time together becomes a catch-up game. We're dating, something we've never done together, and we're very good at it. He shows me a new place to explore, and I observe the change in him, his attentiveness and affection; things he's never showed before.

For the first time ever, I'm getting to know who Jason Messer really is. Our friendship is still there. Our wit and conversation are like they've always been. The difference is intimacy; the goal behind it is us.

I don't think he's ever had a serious relationship, so this is new to him. But he tries, and it's nice to see it grow.

But I'm patient. I wait for the moment he responds to what I told him that day in the train station. I wait, and it never comes in moments so perfect they pass us by. On the ferry, the wind thrashed our hair left to right, his arms were around me, and his fingers caught the flying locks as he looked at me... But nothing. I wanted to yell it, for Lady Liberty to hear it, as well. Everyone.