I cried over him for the other night it was the first time in 4 months. I felt so weak and helpless. It would be only the 2nd time I cried over him in 4 months. I honestly don't know why I cried over him I went 4 months without crying over him, I thought I was over him enough not to cry over it again. But I guess I was wrong or maybe I just held it in too long and my body finally gave out and broke down. It wasn't as bad as the last time I cried but it was close, I felt numb and cold everything was in slow motion and I could feel every little detail about my body, my hands were shaking, my eyes watering, my chest burning, my mind racing, sobs escaping out of my throat, my body hurt but it was more than that there was this feeling there one I don't know how to explain at all. Honestly I don't even know what it was doing to me I just felt weak. But in all reality I wasn't sad I was mad at him and what he put me through. I was mad at myself because I knew he's not good for me but yet i'm still caught up in him. I was mad because sometimes I check up on him to see how he was doing and that kills me but sometimes part of me just has to look. Is he happy without me? Did he stay with her? Is there someone new?. I wonder if he ever thinks about me or what we had.. I do late at night when I can't sleep or when something reminds me of him. I hate thinking about him it kills me and makes me so mad. But I can't stop it sometimes, it just happens. But that feeling I got shocked me i've never felt that way. I was angry to point I was sobbing but i've been angry enough to cry but that feeling wasn't there and then when it was about him it was there. It scares me because I think it's my body telling me this is wrong and bad for me because well it is, he cheated on me 2 time that I know of and yet part of me loves him... Why?! Am I that stupid? Im I that weak?. So many things run through my head like what if me and him never crossed paths? How much different would my life be? Would I be this broken over someone else? Would I have someone? Would I still be here? So much could be different. It's the what if that hooks me on it, what if we never said Hi that day? Just a simple Hi that changed my life so much and now look where i'm at. But is the spot i'm at the spot I need to be? Is this what was supposed to happen to me?
