Could Have Been Better (Crush Series #2)

Chapter 12

Come one, Elaine! Why do you have to be like that?

I pulled my hand away from his hold. Nakawala ako, ngunit mabilis niyang hinuli ang kamay ko. He held it tightly.

"Do you really think I haven't thought of that? Siyempre natanong ko na rin sa sarili ko 'yan, Elaine. I want to know if you are really the girl I want to be with. I want to be sure of my feelings for you. It took time for me to gather all my strength. To gain all the courage so I can already confess my feelings for you. Kasi gusto ko sigurado ako sa'yo, Elaine. You know I never intended to hurt you. That's why I asked myself, a thousand times, if my feelings are worth the try."

He looked at me intently. Conrad's eyes were dazzling under the moonlight. I can almost see my reflection.

"It is, Elaine. Wala ako rito sa harap mo ngayon kung hindi." The sadness in his face just a minute ago changed into bliss. "That's why I want you to give me a chance. Give us a chance, Elaine. Hindi ko hinihiling na ngayon mo mismo ibigay sa akin ang gusto ko. What I want right now is the chance to show you how much I like you. 'Wag mo na akong pipigilan. 'Wag mong iiwasan."

"Condrad..."

"I promise, I will not do anything that will make you uncomfortable. Pero asahan mong hindi ako lalayo sa'yo. Because I want you, always, to be beside me," he uttered all of it without hesitation.

I sighed. It was a sigh of relief. At least he did not force me to say something. Hindi siya nagtanong ng bagay na hindi pa ako ganoon kasigurado. Iniisip niya ang kapakanan ko.

I am relieved because now, I already know how much he wants to be with me.

Sa isang tango ko lang ay kumislap sa liwanag ang kaniyang mga mata.

He closed the distance between us. He held me in his arms. He hands rested on my back. Ako ay naipit sa kaniyang munting yakap.

Tonight, I confessed my true feelings for this boy. Even though it did not come out from my mouth, I confessed through my actions.

Sinuklian ko ang kaniyang yakap. I put my arms around him. I rested my head on his shoulders. I will not hesitate no more. I like him. God, I am even be in love with him.

Conrad, my first love.

Araw araw may pagbabago. Everyday is a challenge to me. From my family, academics, my voluntary work in the shool's library, to my feelings for Conrad. Ang mga iyon lang ang laging laman ng aking isip. Especially the lies that I am constantly giving to my best friend. Ang hirap hirap. Minsan, gusto ko na lang silang kausapin at umamin.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na alam ang dahilan kung bakit nagtatago pa rin ako sa kanila ng mga sikreto. Nung una kasi, ang nais ko lamang ay huwag mahusgahan. Ayokong maging iba ang tinign nila sa akin. I want them to think that I am one of them. That I can mix with all of them. Something I was't able to do when I was in the states.

Pero ngayon, hindi ba ay mas lalo ko lang silang binibigyan ng dahilan para husgahan ako? I am a lier. My mouth are full of lies. Kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagsabi ng totoo kayla Celine patungkol sa aking pamilya at kung saan ako nanggaling.

This thing that I started, I think it gives them more reason to judge me. They will doubt my loyalty. They will lose their trust in me. At sa ginagawa kong pagtatago sa kanila nito, sa pagsisikreto ko dahil sa isiping huhusgahan nila ako, di kaya ako talaga ang nanghuhusga sa kanila? Ako ang nagdududa sa kanila? Ano na lang ang pinagkaiba ko sa mga taong humusga sa akin noon?

Tulala ako sa loob ng library. I am done arranging the books to their proper shelves. Naayos ko na rin ang mga files ng mga librong hiniram sa araw na ito. Kakaunti lang ang bumisita sa library ngayong araw. Kadalasan ay dumarami lang naman ang mga pumupunta sa library kapag kasagsagan na ng performance tasks o ng exams.