Ten days after the Valentines date, an old friend of mine that I had gone to dinner with got me so angry that I was completely blind to anything else. But the anger helped me realize, maybe he hadn’t figured it out yet. I had a feeling he just wasn’t getting the idea that I was interested. I would have to be direct for him to understand my true intentions. I waited for my chance to make my move after school that Monday, the twenty-fourth. He had been with his friends the whole day; I wanted to do this with no one around. I wanted a little privacy so no one could come and ruin it; I was going to do this right. Finally everyone left, and I made a complete fool of myself trying to get the words right. I was trembling and stuttering from nerves. He tried to make me laugh so I would be less nervous. He was making me laugh so hard, I had to blurt it out. The look on his face was priceless. His eyes went wide with surprise and the little color the cold left on his face vanished. I’ve never seen someone look so confused and dumbfounded.
He asked what I meant by a ‘date’, and I explained it. It sounded just like what we did the week before. Just casual, nothing too fancy or expensive. I wanted something calm that we could do to enjoy each other’s company. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything, yet I also didn’t want him to say no. After I explained a few more details that he asked about, he said yes. That yes was the cheer up I desperately needed from a complete day of disappointment. My wallet had been stolen earlier. I got the wallet back but all my money was gone. We had decided to go get coffee, but I had no money. I tried to talk him out of it, but he bought me a drink anyways, how romantic. We didn’t have much time with each other that day because we both had to get home. As we were walking to the bus stop all he could do was laugh at the fact I kept spilling my tea all over my hand. Inside I was pleading that the sun didn’t have to set. Asking the moon and stars to stay hidden for just one more moment. Just one more moment to be with him.
On Wednesday the twenty sixth, we spend most of our lunch break together. He was attempting to care about the fact I was going frantic over breaking my hair brush minutes before he showed up. We couldn’t spend all of lunch with each other because he had a club meeting to attend as did I. After school that day, the girl he had been interested in for a long time finally told him she liked him. This is the girl my friend had given me the warning about. He told her that I had asked him out only a few days before. But asked if she actually wanted to go out with him. She didn’t give a clear answer, only a maybe, and acted very unsure of what she wanted from him. We started out ok, but he threw it all away, my god what’s going on in his head.
Now being the idiot that I am, I let him choose. I gave him a chance to do the right thing. I wanted to see if he could realize he was in a relationship already. For the next four days I had come down with a severely bad cold and had to stay in bed. I couldn’t think straight. This whole situation was the only coherent thought I’d had in the ninety six hours I was bed ridden and snot covered. I wanted him to let me in where only his thoughts have been. ‘Let me occupy your mind, as you do mine.’ Every possibility ran though my head that when I returned on the third of March I had almost missed him in the crowded halls completely.
He pulled me aside and said we needed to talk. Slowly he started to take deep breaths. He was trying to calm his nerves yet starting mine in the process. He asked, “Do you remember the question you sent me a few days ago?” I had been so sick I couldn’t remember anything; I was hallucinating for first two days. I couldn’t remember even talking to him at all. “No I don’t.” He continued as if it wasn’t important that the past four days were a fuzzy blur to me. “Well you said if neither of you had said anything to me, which one would I have asked out. And I didn’t reply to you. I really thought about that, and if neither of you had said anything, I would have asked her.”
I was hurt, but did a decent job not showing it. I couldn’t show it, being surrounded by our friends and peers; I had to keep it together. We only said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times in that moment. It may have killed me to do it, but acting like he meant nothing to me was my only option. “Oh, alright.” I wanted to scream ‘You go back to her, and I’ll go back to black.’ The darkness where my home is—I thought he would save me. I would have to wait to really express the scream that was bubbling in my throat. My heart couldn’t bleed out here, or else it would be completely ridiculed. I was praying for someone, anyone, to take me anywhere but here. Buy me the ocean and fill it with pretty stars, just take me anywhere but here.
