Hey, its been almost 2 years without you here. A lot of things has changed. We moved across town, to a tiny apartment compared to the big house we lived in. I am now slowly but surely starting to eat again, to talk again. I don't self harm much anymore. I am slowly staring to listen and watch the old music and tv shows we watched together without crying or having a mental breakdown. I'm going to therapy starting next month. I am slowly becoming okay with the fact that you are dead. I still do have sleeping issues an terrible panic attacks from time to time but i'll overcome it. I am starting to love my body even if i don't flat stomach or a thigh gap like before; but before i was starving myself and overworking myself way to much.
On a good note, I came out to the family my birthday last month as well the only one who actually said something positive about it was Allison, Tia and Cameron. My hair is now back to light brown. I'm also graduating soon, next month sometime, kinda upset that you won't see my actually graduate but then again it wouldn't have been much since doing school online instead going to public school. But i am looking at collages now. Things have changed, a lot. For better or for worse it has.
I miss the old times, when i didn't have to worry about much, when i thought you would live to see me grow up. but nothing has the perfect ending, though it can have a good ending. I hate the fact that everyone still treats me like porcelain doll that could shatter any moment when it's your birthday or your death date or just december in general. It's weird cause when i have problems that i would go to you for, i can't anymore an it's like i could go to father but it's not the same, he can't even deal with me when i'm on my period, how in the hell could i go to him with girlfriend or boyfriend problems?
At first everyone wanted me to become a nurse like you where. But the truth is i don't know what i wanna be,maybe a bartender or a tattoo artist. Who knows what will happen for all i know i might just leave the country for a year or so.
I will say that there are times i wish i could turn back time an cherish the moments i had with you. It's scary how everything is just memories, i can't change it and if i forget it, i lose it forever.
It sucks that i remember everything about that day from what i wore to how i had to go to church later that night an how everyone walked on egg shells around me but in reality your death didn't really hit me yet, it really didn't hit me till a week later christmas night while i was reading a book i got for you and how i had a mental break down an smashed every glass object in my room an how i screamed my lungs out hoping that this was all a joke hoping that you would walk or wheel in my room an laugh an say 'i love you' but it never happened. What did happen was i call my friend couldn't speak and had them ended up coming over at 3 am in the morning to deal with my broken ass. They had to talk to me till the sun rise for me to become sane again.
Now almost two years later mother, I love you and miss you with all my fucking heart and i wished you never died but if you didn't die who knows what would've happened to me if you didn't die.
But i now know that to cherish the little things.
Hey guys sorry i haven't updated or anything in years but things has happened and i lost my thing for writing. Going back yeah this hole book thing is terrible but oh well haha. this hole page is just a long rant about things i've been bottling up for a good while. I think i might start writing new stories and actually finish them, so comment below some book ideas an stuff. also i've been up for 30 hours straight with school work even though i'm on vacation with family i got bored and decided to write what i was feeling so yeah the writing is probably terrible but ayee oh well i'll go back and check it later.
