Listen Before You Speak

Bonus Chapter

"Thinking about Elijah again?" a voice behind me rung up.

I turned around to Michael, pulling his hand through his black hair as usual.

"Yes. It's his birthday tomorrow," I answered as Michael shut the classroom door behind him and walk until I was aligned with his crystal blue eyes.

"You want to go see him?" Michael asked as he took my hand and led me to my chair behind my desk, kneeling in front of me, trying to comfort me as best he could by only using his eyes.

"Yes. I should. It has been a while since I had been there," I answered before briefly staring back at Elijah's photo.

"When are you going to let go of the guilt?" Michael asked, his voice concerned.

"Does one ever let go of something like that?" I answered with a question.

"Only if you allow yourself to do so. There was nothing you could do about it back then and there is nothing that you can do about it now."

***

Looking down at the scars still gives me a sinking feeling. Sometimes I wish that I could just make it go away and forget that it ever happened. Sometimes I think it is right that it should be there, a reminder that my love could be fatal. A reminder that someone lost their life because of me...

Dear Blake,

Today I am 25, and not a lot has changed, except for the fact that you are still not here and I am still not with you. Not a night goes by that I do not wish that I will not be waking up the next morning. That somehow during the night I will just fade away into the darkness where you will be waiting to take my hand. So many times I just wish that –

The doorbell rang high and shrill through the little apartment. It wasn't much but I could call it home at least.

Dropping the pen and shoving my journal underneath the pillow of my bed I quickly make my way toward the door. I never had anybody over, except...

"Sam," I said as I opened the door. It's not like I wasn't glad to see him, but somehow I just could not smile today.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Elijah! Happy birthday to you!" Sam sang, and I am sure the lady three blocks down who was deaf in one ear was the only one that did not hear him. Still, without a smile I let him in, only to see Michael appearing behind him in the doorway holding a chocolate cake.

"Hi Michael," I greeted.

"Happy birthday Eli," he said as he walked in.

It wasn't that I did not want my guardian of the past ten years in my apartment, but this was my day and like every year he has come to ruin it once again.

"So, I have a great day planned for us! We can have some cake and then maybe go out to the park and I have tickets for us to go and watch Andy Black tonight!"

Sam's face was comical when he tried to cheer me up but failed miserably at it – again.

"I don't feel like going out," I answered as I finally took the cake from Michael that gave me a thankful look and took the few steps toward the small little kitchen. "But I am happy to make you some coffee with a piece of cake."

"Come on Elijah! We are talking Andy Black over here! Don't you love his music?" I could hear the fake excitement in Sam's voice and I quickly translated it to: 'I don't want you to sit at home and maybe try to slit your wrists again, or worse, try and hang yourself like you did two years ago when you were still living with me and I came home just in time to save your life.'