favorite record ; joji

》seven - lullaby

goodnight, goodnight
its time now to sleep

-
(gore tw)

"he hates me. he fucking hates me. i fucked up." it was pouring down rain, already not the best driving conditions, but she was crying.

she was crying, because she had to tell her best friend that they could no longer be friends, and he didnt take it well.

it happened on the thin road just before her street.

her car had drifted into oncoming traffic.

she was hit with blinding white lights, a really loud sound, and everything went black.

she'd died. but only for a moment.

her steering wheel had lodged itself into her abdomen, cutting her almost completely in half,  fracturing a majority of her ribs.

she shouldnt have survived.

and the worst part?

he didnt know.

and he didnt care.

so her time in the hospital was spent alone.

she knew if she'd just waited to tell him, she wouldnt have had to go through this, the hardest thing shes ever faced, alone.

she spent 42 days in the hospital. and 60 more in physical therapy.

she couldnt breathe without a searing pain in her chest.

it was at this point where she cursed the doctors for saving her. it was at this point she wished the crash had killed her.

this wasnt worth going through alone, without her best friend.

he'd gone through everything with her, and she'd done likewise.

and she missed him.

-

her dreams mostly consisted of visions of the accident.

it was times like these where she wished it had killed her.

she was tired of reliving these moments.

but now? these dreams consisted of the fact that she didnt have her best friend to go through this with her, as hed promised he would.

but now he lived two doors down the hall and it brought back the searing pain in her chest.

he was so close.

she laid in a bed, that was no longer comfortable, and now was all to cold, and stared at the ceiling.

it was nights like these, where she had these dreams, where, no matter when she woke up because of them, she couldnt get back to sleep.

she felt her chest lurch, and tears threatened to fall. she squeezed her eyes shut, but to no avail. hot tears streamed down the sides of her face, and she was crying.

she pushed the covers off her legs, and sat up.

she'd told herself she wouldnt smoke more than one cigarette per day, but it had been a bad day, and she was alone.

she stepped out into the cold brooklyn air, same as she'd done every night this week.

she paid no mind to the cold,  nor to the fact that she was trembling, an effect of either the weather or her emotions, she wasn't sure, and her quiet sobs.

she brought the cigarette to her lips with a shaky hand, and inhaled cold smoke into her lungs.

she pursed her lips, letting the smoke linger in her throat a bit longer than she shouldve, and looked out at all the twinkling little lights of cars, and people, that were still out.

she hadnt gone out and had fun in ages. shed been too busy with school, or it had been a day her anxiety was acting up.

there was always an excuse.

this was one of those nights where she stood out on her balcony for two hours, and watched the sun rise. she liked to think on nights like these.

she thought about her mom, and how she hadnt seen her in 5 years. she'd moved back to thailand after her father had died, to be closer to her ýā.

she thought about her father, and how he told her to never smoke, after hed been diagnosed with lung cancer, but here she was, chainsmoking until sunrise.

she thought about her cat, who was getting old now. she wasnt able to jump up on her bed anymore. she thought about the fact that one day, she'd wake up, or come home from work, and sparky would be curled up on her couch, cold and lifeless.

she felt her eyelids droop, and figured she'd have to call in sick to work today, seeing as it was five in the morning and she was half asleep.

she sluggishly walked back to bed, picking uo sparky on her way there, and eventually fell asleep.