The Voices Beneath: An Arthurian Retelling

Chapter Fifteen: Existence

            “I wish nothing more than to let him know the truth,” I told him and he sighed impatiently.

            “Yes, Mordred, I know, that is why I am going to do everything I can to help you. I’m leaving in the morning.” He began to turn away, but I called him back.

            “Merlin,” I said. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you helping me get through this.”

            A small smile appeared on his lips. “It is my pleasure, young knight. Now, if I don’t see you before then, which seems very likely indeed, I wish you good luck in the tournament.”

            “Thank you,” I said again and watched him stride away before I continued on my way to the stables.

            I sincerely hoped that Merlin would be able to help me, and I would lie if I said I cared a whit whether Morgan lived or died as horrible as that sounded. But I had the tourney to prepare for, and did so more readily now that I knew there might still be hope for the breaking of the curse.

            Finally it came to be the night before the event. Knights from the surrounding kingdoms had been arriving all day and the castle and village was full of the competitors and their followers. The training field where the tourney would be held was filled with brightly colored tents where all the knights had taken up residence. That night there was a great feast in the hall that all the knights were invited to and Arthur looked regal and kingly sitting at the head table with Guinevere in a beautiful sapphire blue dress, looking like an angel. I was still honored with a place at the high table with the others of Arthur’s favorite knights, though I did not sit beside him, and was in fact at the end of the table next to Percival. Percival at least was always amusing, especially at parties and he actually managed to draw several laughs out of me which was something that didn’t happen often in those days. Gawain heard and cast an appreciative look at the big knight.

            As the feast waned late that night, the men deciding they should get some rest before the next day, I took my leave, wishing to do the same. I bid goodnight to Percival and Gawain and nodded my departure to Arthur with a respectable “Goodnight, sire.”

            He nodded back and I left the hall, finding solace in the quiet corridors where I could sometimes think too much. Tonight, though, my mind was filled with other things. How well would I do on the tournament the next day? Where was Merlin right now, and had he found Morgan yet? Had he been able to persuade her? I began to fear I would not sleep at all that night.

            Something caught my eye and I looked to a side corridor to see a cloaked man in squire’s garb disappearing quickly into the shadows. I instinctively put a hand on the hilt of my sword, but then shook my head at my own foolishness. The lad was probably on his way to or from some tryst with a kitchen maid and simply didn’t want to be caught at it. I wished right then that I had such simple problems.

            Then I heard another footstep sound behind me and this time I did spin around with my hand clamped firmly on the sword hilt, ready for whoever it might be. I relaxed my position however, when I saw who it was.

            Arthur halted when I spun around, seeming almost to hesitate. I quickly released my sword and gave him a half bow. “My lord, I apologize, I am just feeling a little anxious tonight. Nerves for the tourney tomorrow.” I tried to smile, but it was lost just as everything else between us had been.

            Arthur smiled back and came toward me. “You have every reason to be. I was a mess before my first tourney,” he stopped, seeming to realize he was again talking to me like I was his son—something that had seemed off limits after our disagreement. He renewed his smile, though it was sadder this time around. “I just wanted to wish you luck. I wish I was competing, but I decided I needed to be a proper king this time. Besides, Guinevere would murder me if I competed without Merlin around.” He chuckled, but I saw a far off, somewhat confused look in his eyes. I suddenly wondered what Merlin had told him when he left. Perhaps nothing at all. It made me feel strange to think that I knew more about Merlin than Arthur who was like his surrogate brother. I had one of the many sudden urges I felt, to pour out my story to him and let the truth be known, but I kept it inside as usual. I smiled my best at him.

            “It is likely best, sire,” I said, hoping I said it jokingly. “You are very dear to the queen, and she would hate to lose you. And she’s not the only one.”

            For a moment we held each other’s gaze and I saw a flicker of warmth and fatherly affection in Arthur’s eyes before he cleared throat and I looked away, making to part.

            “I thank you for the well wishes, my lord,” I told him. “I hope I will be able to prove myself to you as a true knight of Camelot tomorrow.”

            “I have no doubt that you will, Mordred,” he said gently, raising a hand as if to touch my shoulder, but putting it back down awkwardly as a second thought, making my heart twist. “Now you had best get some rest so you will be at your finest tomorrow. I am off to do the same.”

            “Goodnight, sire.”

            “Goodnight, Mordred.”

            I parted with him and made for my bed in the barracks, but on the way back, I got the feeling someone was watching me and I turned quickly, a snarl on my lips to scare whoever it was, half thinking it might be Gawain or Percival playing a trick on me, but I caught sight of a hooded figure slipping away out of sight. At first I thought it might be the same squire I had seen in the castle, but this silhouette was bigger, broader in the shoulders. There was something about it that seemed familiar, however. I didn’t know why I felt so cautious that night. I was not taken to jumping at shadows. I just had a feeling that something wasn’t right. Again I berated myself as I hurried off to my room before I came up with any other crazy theories. After all, it was likely just one of the knights and I was becoming paranoid with my frayed nerves.

            But the next day, I was to find out that I had not been entirely wrong.

©Copyright 2014 by Hazel B West