A Toy With Wings

Thirteen

"I won't tell, unless..."

"Unless what, you fucking bitch?" I snap at her.

She smirks. "Unless you tell me a story?"

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

"You want me to tell you a story?" I scream, outraged. "Jeez, I'm flattered, but nope. Guess you've got to find Miss fucking Melody for this job."

Evangeline merely shrugs. "That's rich, considering the fact that I saved your life."

I smirk back. "Seriously doubt that."

Evangeline looks thoughtful. "Don't you remember anything at all?" she asks.

I try to recall my memory. "A Shiram, I think it's a girl, knocked me to the floor. I think she carved a pattern of some sort onto my arms."

"Anything else?"

"I saw a blade, morphed from white flames cut through her figure."

Evangeline smirks her signature smirk once more, and shows me her knife. A single-sided knife with a nice, sharp blade about one foot long, and licked and consumed by white flames.

"There you go, sweetie pie. I saved your life, and you won't even tell me a simple little story?" she gives me a puppy-eyes look.

"What do I tell?" I sigh.

Evangeline smiles, knowing that she has won the conversation. "Um...something classic."

"Sector Number 32 of the Death Angel Chronicles?"

Evangeline looks confused. "Um...what?"

"It's totally awesome. It's a book series, with four series so far, and a dozen installments in each series. The first series is the Shadow Series, the second is called the Solar Eclipse Series, the third Fallen Wings Series, and the fourth is the Rising Evils series. It's totally awesome, when the Angel of Death tries to claim the life of-" I babble.

Evangeline looks sad, and gives me another puppy-eye. "Something well-heard of, then?"

"Fine. Once upon a time, there was a woman. She was the motherfucking queen of her motherfucking country. She was powerful, and she was ugly. She owned a magic mirror, and every day, she would hold a knife to the mirror's neck, and ask, 'mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?'.

"Since the woman was so ugly, but with the knife, the mirror only dared say, 'i...i...it's y...you, m...m...my lady. You're so b...breathtakingly b...beautiful.'.

"'Hmph,' said the woman.

"The next day, after the woman's stepdaughter, Snow White, polished the magic mirror, the magic mirror told the woman's makeup mirror, 'damn, she's so fucking hot.'. Almost immediately, Woman the boring slut came into the room and asked the mirror who the fairest was again. The mirror replied, 'i...it's you?'. His head was jammed with pictures of Snow White, the fucking girl of his fucking dreams.

"The day after, Woman didn't even have to ask the fucking question. The mirror was drunk, and was saying, 'god, that chick, Snow White. I swear she's the hottest thing on Earth. I wanna fuck her.'. Since Woman was a selfish, bitchy antagonist, she slammed her hand on the mirror, smashing it. She then ordered a hunter to kill Snow White and bring her Snow's heart so she could eat it for dinner later.

"But as soon as the hunter saw Snow White, he fell in love with her because of her radiant beauty and charm. Unable to hold even a flimsy little knife and poke a bitch in the chest with it, the pathetic whore of a hunter told Snow White to fuck off.

"Snow White ran into the woods and met seven dwarves. Because of the femme fatale's beauty, the dwarves let her stay in their worn-down cottage. Their names were Fatty, Slap-Happy, Doofus, Ninny, Achoo, Shitty and Fucky. Personally, I find this story really sexist.

"Somehow, Woman learned that Snow White was still alive. She drank a fucking potion, spat it out in disgust, took another sip, spat it out in disgust, took another sip, spat it out in disgust,took another sip, spat it out in disgust,took another sip, spat it out in disgust and finally managed to choke the potion down.

"She poisoned Snow with an apple, but instead, a perverted prince came along again. He fucked Snow White and had oral sex with her, and she was instantly better. As the two decided to get married (though Snow was 14 and the prince was like, 150), and as they rode off in the sunset to the prince's castle, remember what I said about the fucking dwarves' worn cottage? Well, it collapsed behind the happy pair, burying all the dwarves alive. Moral: be beautiful. You never know when it'll come in handy. The end."

"Done," I tell Evangeline. "Now what's my new codename?"

Evangeline gulped.

I scrummage around, manage to find my sickle and point it at her. "Answer, or I'll cut you up, apprentice or not.

Evangeline runs to the door. As she flees, she utters my new codename.

"Captain Underpants."