breaking point

Sorry.

A/N - I'm so sorry for this. That is honestly all I have to say for myself. Also it's from Deans point of view.

~

Angel blade in hand, determination sweeping over the angels face, Castiel charges at Lucifer.
"Cas!" I yell in desperation, stepping out to run to him as Sams arm pushes against my chest, preventing me from rushing to my angel.
"De-Dean! We have to go. Now," he states, the firmness in his voice is almost chilling. Still, I push against his arm, desperately attempting to stop Cas from getting himself killed - he can't - not now, not like this.
"CAS - n-no, no. CAS!" I scream as Sam zaps us back into our universe. I stand there - waiting. Waiting for my angel to come back to me. He has to. I need him. I need him because when all seems lost, when the world is ending, when darkness fills my mind and hope is lost - he is always there. No matter what happens, no matter the circumstance. My angel always comes back to me. So I stand and wait, unaware of anything else going on behind me, unaware that my mom is now with us.

Then, just when hope seems lost, Castiel appears, my angel came back to me. "Cas," Sam breathes out, smiling. I don't know whether I should punch him or kiss him. Before I can decide, before I can even think, there is a blade going straight through Castiels chest. The light leaving his eyes reminds me of how brightly they would light up when he looked into mine. The light leaving his mouth reminds me of all the times I've almost met it with my own. My angel, my angel - is gone. "NO!" Is all I manage to scream. I can't think of anything else to say - how could I? How do i find the right words to say when the one I love is being killed right in front of me? I feel so helpless and lost. My heart drops as does his body. He lays there - lifeless and cold, his wings burned into the cold, hard soil in which surrounds him. Then I notice my mother, fighting Lucifer, one solid punch after the other, backing him into the tear in time and reality. As he is about to pass into the alternate universe, he grabs a hold of mom, pulling her away with him - they disappear and the tear shuts.

This is it. I've lost everything. The only person I have left in this world is Sammy. My eyes drop back to Castiel, his once beautiful eyes - as deep and blue as the sea - are now dead and closed. Sam runs to the house, for Lucifers child has just been born. If circumstances were different, I would follow him. But my legs feel weak and I can't move. I feel paralysed, trapped inside my own body. I let my knees drop as I slump next to his body, not even caring about my screwed knee. This pain is far, far worse. I look up to the stars - why - I wonder, why can't I just be happy, have one good thing and be able to keep it, why him, why my angel. I feel the ball in my throat is rising, I feel like I'm drowning. I was once drowning in the depths of his graceful eyes, but now i am truly drowning without them. I look back to his body. His body that for so long, i had wanted to touch, to feel against my skin - is now laying beside me. The waves of pain are hitting me from every possible direction, and I feel empty in places I never knew could feel this way. I feel as if my entire universe is caving in on me, swallowing me whole. My mind flashes back to when he told me he loves me, the desperation of it, as if nothing else mattered other than letting me know that. I wish I had put my fucking pride aside and said it back - but it's too late. I take his head in my hands, then one hand moves to pull his back up and into me. I hold him close. As close as I wish I could have if he were alive. The waves keep crashing, those cold waves as blue as Castiels eyes, the eyes I could have stared into for eternity if given the chance. But i can't. I pull his head onto my chest and hold him there. My whole body is shaking.

"I love you, Castiel," I choke out in a whisper.

As soon as the words leave my mouth, the tears start to fall. They fall as fast and as hard as when Castiel fell from heaven. Castiel fell for me. I put my mouth to his forehead and kiss it like I would have done when he was alive. I rest my head onto his as the tears fall and try to drown me. I'm drowning in reality. The mystic blue of what once was Castiels grace, so pure, so calming, so true - is now choking me and hitting me from all sides.
"It's okay, Ca-Cas, I've g-, I've got you," I manage to whimper, "oh god, oh god," i cry out.

My little baby in a trench coat.

Sam exits the house with Jack, i stay mostly still, eyes shut and tears falling as I softly sway side to side holding my baby in my arms. "Dean," he says softly, I shake my head and choke out more tears. This pain is worse than any of the torture I had been through in hell. Hell - that's where my story with Castiel began. I was so weak and helpless, then he grabbed a hold of me and pulled me up, out and saved my life.

Tears fall as the flashbacks hit.

"I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," the angel says as he approaches me, his eyes are so stern, yet calming and blue, the kind of colour that makes you want to laugh and cry all at once. Wait - did I just have a gay thought about an angel of the Lord?

Tears falling.

Benny and i approach the river, hoping to find the beautiful blue eyed angel. I see him, crouching at the river washing his face. He stands up and turns to face us. "Cas!" I exclaim, my smile spreading to both sides of my face but I don't try to stop it, I don't care, my angel is here. I pull him into a hug which I never want to let go of, God how I missed him, the things I would do for this angel...

Eyes closed.

Another blow hits my face, I don't fight back. I won't fight back. I will never hurt this angel, no matter what. I love him. I need him. Another punch as he holds the angel blade, ready to pierce through my skin. His eyes full of dominance. It's something I shouldn't be thinking about but even as he's about to kill me - he's still so perfect. "Cas, I need you." I manage to say, blood pouring down my face, "do it,". He then heals me and disappears. Leaving me wondering why he kept me alive, why he didn't just end it already, where did he go?

Drowning.

I kneel next to Cas as we try to figure out how to save him. I stand up. This can't be the end of my blue eyed beauty. Not like this. "I love you," he croaks as he looks as me. What?! What did he just say? Did he just say that he loves me, did I hear him wrong? "I love all of you," he proclaims. If he loves all of us why did he turn to me first? Is this angel truly in love with me or is it a family love? Why can't I help but hope it's something more than just "a profound bond" that we have? That it's something special and pure and true. As pure as the grace flowing through him, the radioactive, powerful, beautiful shimmering grace that could erupt like a volcano and bring an entire country to its knees. The grace that could explode stars and set planets off their course. The grace that I am so deeply in love with.

A voice brings me out of the past, it's Sam.
"Hey, dean," he says softly as he puts his hand on my shoulder, eyes sympathising with mine.
"I-I love him," I choke out as another tear falls down my face and a sound of pure despair leaves my throat.
"Hey," he whispers softly, embracing me in a hug whilst I hold my angel close.
"I LOVE HIM!" I look up as I shout, I don't know who I'm shouting to. Lucifer? Raging to the one who killed him so mercilessly. God? Trying to get an answer as to why he left and let this happen. Or perhaps to myself, coming out of denial and facing the truth..but I know it's too late. And a Castiel never got to hear me say it to him.
"I know, Dean, I know," Sam utters as he pulls me closer. Every aspect of his voice is understanding, because he does know. He knows heartbreak like the back of his hand, and he knows that Dean needs him now. More than ever.

So this is it. Team Free Will.
An angel of the Lord, wings scorched into the earth beneath him, lifeless and cold.
The hunter who denied his love until it was too late, leaving him paralysed and drowning in emotion.
And the brother, who no matter what, will always love and be there for his brother, through the heartbreak and through the pain - there until the end.

Tears continue to fall. They fall as hard as I fell in love with him, the thought brings me a memory of an Elvis song I once heard - Can't Help Falling in Love. That album - Blue Hawaii, just brings memories of the blue in Castiels eyes, and the blue of his grace which could flood over me and shake me like a hurricane. The words of the song play back in my mind as I hold him and cry. This is love. And it fucking hurts.