Title: Just One Yesterday
Author: LittleGirlwantcuddle
How many chapters I read: 3
Grammar/Sentence Structure: 3.5/5
Originality (was it too cliché, etc): 4/5
How well it captivated me (was it able to grab my attention, etc): 4/5
Comments/Suggestions:
I enjoyed reading this! I loved how I was immediately thrust into the story and Rachel's world. Rachel is a total badass who isn't looking to depend on anyone, and I admired that. It was really entertaining to read from her perspective and see her relationship with her brother, because they have such an interesting dynamic. Your writing style is great because it helps to set the scene; I felt like I had a crystal clear image of what was going on in my head. It was descriptive and none of the chapters had a dull moment, because they were short enough to make the reader wanting more.
What I'd like to suggest, though, is to create more of a balance between Rachel's internal dialogue and the actual dialogue. I liked knowing Rachel's thoughts throughout the kidnapping situation, but I didn't get a clear sense of how she was actually feeling through it all. I think it'd be great to read her physical responses throughout it (i.e. if she's mad, does her face flush with anger? If she's shocked to see Aedan, do her eyes widen or does her heart race?). Other than this and a few grammatical errors, I think your story has a great start :)
Hope this helped xx
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