Letters to No One

letter two

To you,
I miss you. I miss how you look, how you laugh, your smile, your eyes. I miss the fun calls that we had. I miss the way I would talk about you to my friends for as long as they would let me without telling to shut up. I miss the feeling I would get when I would see a message from you, or when you would ask to play our game together.

But then again, I don't miss you. I don't miss you because I wouldn't have been able to see you until college, because I always knew I wanted to leave my damned state. I don't miss you because you were the one that I thought that would be the one and.. maybe you were. Maybe I'm going to end up with four dogs named Eenie, Meenie, Mynie, and Mo.

maybe you were the one. you laughed at my dumb ass, even when I wasn't funny. Every idiotic joke I had, you would laugh. If it was funny, it was funny to you, and if it wasn't, it was still funny to you. You were perfect, and I still hurt when I think of you.

You blocked me. You posted about me. You told me that I should die. Maybe that was when I started. Started what, you ask? Well, maybe you don't ask. You probably don't care. But that was, maybe, when I started to hurt myself. I started to hurt myself because I was not good enough for you. I could never be. Because she was better for you and I am pansexual, and she is... straight, I believe. You, darling, are what I wish I still had because I was too stupid to realize how good you were.

If someone asked me how we were, I wouldn't know how to reply. You... are you good? I would say that, hell, I don't know. I would tell that person that they should ask you yourself, because I am terrible. I wish that it was still that year when I got your message about suicide, and had a panic attack in class. I was taken to the nurse and sent home because I was crying so much because I was worried about you, I couldn't go back to class.

maybe you were the biggest mistake of my life
maybe leaving my you was the mistake.

Sincerely,
Me