Trouble In Shangri-La

Start Over?

Stevie had fallen asleep and hour ago, and Lindsey watched her. Her face was so serene, her body relaxed. It felt so natural and they fit so perfectly together as he lay behind her in her enormous bed. Her bed linens were soft and pale, bathed in the warm lighting of the sunset through her windows. It was no wonder she stayed up here all the time, it was possibly the most beautiful room in the house. Well, beyond their original bedroom. He knew the view was spectacular and he wondered what it looked like now. With his curiosity piqued, he carefully peeled himself out of bed.

"Linds?" her husky voice questioned. "Are you leaving me?"

"No, baby." he said, settling back down with her.

"Where were you going?"

"Shh...go back to sleep. I'll start dinner in a little while and you should get as much rest as you can." Before he could even finish his sentence, he saw that she was out. He smiled, stroking her beautiful golden hair. He kissed her forehead, trying to get up again without disturbing her. He tip toed down the hallway and unlocked the door. He stepped inside and was immediately struck with the same wave of nostalgia Stevie must have left. He was bathed in a symphony of color. Pinks, oranges and yellows turning into indigos and violets before the sun slipped down behind the mountains completely. "Wow!" he breathed, leaning against the wall. He could almost see a younger version of himself and Stevie playing in their room. He would chases her, standing on the bed, jumping down on the other side just to pull her back onto it while she was giggling and squealing with joy. He imagined how they made love like horny teenagers all hours of the day. He remembered breakfast in bed on his birthday, or hers, a tradition both of them miss. He can almost see their first fight, Stevie crying on the end of the bed and how he had apologized and made her laugh. He could visualize just how she had scooted back on the bed, and pulled him with her. He kissed her neck and they shed their clothes, reconnecting like they always could. This would always signal the definite end to their fight and that all had been forgiven. Their relationship worked then, why not now? He ran his hands over the linens, deciding whether or not to sit down. Could he really disturb the perfection of this room? The memories of darkness began to close in and he backed out of the room. Another scene, another fight, this time over Lydia. Lindsey went to the closet and grabbed a pillow and blanket, stomping down the hallway into another room that would soon be his, as it was today. Something he didn't remember though, playing before him like a movie, was how much Stevie had cried and begged him to come back. Yes, she was angry but they needed to figure it out together. He shouted at her, telling her he would only come back when she forgave him. He had done this before and he had always come back later but this time, it was forever. Did he never decide to go back because she never forgave him or was it his own stupid pride that kept him away? Maybe he just wanted to feel like he had won. Lindsey turned and slammed the door, locking it back up. A groggy, petite figure stumbled down the hallway and he smiled. "Did I wake you up?"

"I don't know, but it's okay. What are you doing?"

"Nothing...nothing." he confirmed and she nodded, yawning. "Would you like more sleep?"

"No, if I do, I won't sleep tonight and I will be up into the early hours of the morning."

"What's new?" She gave him a sleepy smile and shoved him playfully. "How are you feeling?"

"Good."

"Good" he repeated. He pulled her into an embrace, compulsively, and held her like that for several moments. He felt how relaxed she was as she laid her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head, breathing her in, then placing his cheek to her hair.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Us, the baby..."

"Are you happy?"

"Incredibly"

"Me too." she said. He swayed with her, her arms wrapped tightly around him and she could feel he was still consumed in thought.

"I love you, Stephanie."

"I love you too, Linds"

He smiled, holding onto her for dear life. She's his life boat, his lighthouse, his one way home, safe and sound. She's the beacon of goodness in his life, a symbol of security. She's his home.

"I went into our bedroom" he said and she pulled back a little, looking up at him.

"I thought we weren't supposed to go back in there?" she asked innocently, her big brown eyes staring up into his blue grey, stormy eyes.

"I know I said that but...I miss it too."

"You do?" He nods, falling silent again, pulling her into his embrace. "Do you think we will ever go back? Start over?" Part of this scared him. Now that they had lived apart for years, was there any going back? Could she even accept him now, going on three years as an almost-bachelor? He was messy and dirty, he would leave things everywhere and though her room was slightly disorganized to the untrained eye, she had a system. His only system was to throw things on the floor and think about it later. If they stayed separated like this, what about their baby? As he or she grew up, and noticed their parents weren't like others, that they didn't share a room or even a staircase because of long overdue apologies and distrust, how would that make their child feel? Lindsey decided that if Stevie had stayed so long with him even after he had cheated on her, how could a shirt or a pair of jeans on the floor really push her over the edge? Was that too cocky? Maybe he's too full of himself. It was he who left the room for good, Stevie never once pushed him. It was his fault, it's all his fault...every single bit of it. 'Do you think we can ever go back? Start over?'

"Maybe someday" he said. She nodded against his chest and he squeezed her a little tighter, hoping that would be true.