a small list of things i'd normally hide

ix. june 17

tomorrow marks 2 years.

2 years.

well, 1 year, 6 months and 26 days.

1 year, 6 months and 26 days and i am almost out of words to say to you.

my final letter.

this, of course will not be my final letter to you.

you know me.

but, to conclude: a final letter to you.

it has been 1 year, 6 months and 26 days since we ended. it has been almost a year since i last spoke to you. i still have pictures of you in my phone, along with your cat and how you asked me out.

that big lesbian crush didn't last long, did it?

i understand i've been obsessing. i was very young when you broke my heart. i fell too hard, that's how i am. maybe you shouldn't have been my first.

i'm glad you were though. you treated me well. you were kind, generous, a shoulder to lean on and an ear to talk to.

i remember when you went away on a camping trip for 6 days and i almost died not speaking to you.

i quoted this dumb thing to say i love you at two in the morning, not believing i could fall asleep without telling you.

our song still rings in my mind and sometimes makes me cry. you sang it to me when we were almost too far to feel it. thank you for comforting me.

i can smile at your favorite books you introduced me to, and i can think of them without thinking of you.

in that first year i almost cried myself to death. i was a depressed, anxious mess.

leading into the second year, i was angry. i felt replaced, cheated on and betrayed. i'm sorry i accused those of you, even if i still think they're true.

last time we spoke, we left off on a bad foot, and i wish i could say we resolved that.

but then again i don't.

you were everything i could have asked for. taylor swift spoken what felt like hymns and you replicated so clearly.

i'm not sure you ever loved me. and saying that i don't care either way would be a lie. i crave being loved. that's who i am. to say you lied and that i did not care would be a sin in my bible.

there are infinite universes where we were meant to be together and this one ended too soon.

this does not mean i'm letting go.

i'll still think about you.

god knows i do everyday.

i am still every emotion i have experienced in those past 2 years except one.

i do not love you anymore.

good.

i am still every emotion i have experienced in those past 2 years, except one.

i am content now.

it's time to say goodbye.

i've spent so much time doing this and saying this and they've all been lies. i think i believe myself now.

goodbye.

.

i am out of words to say to you. it took 1 year, 7 months and 26 days and i have finally ran out of sad and spiteful accusations due to something that lasted 5 months.

maybe i should be a writer one day.