Longing for the Sea

feelings

I usually worry about time. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm constantly staring at the clock and counting down how many hours there are in the day. I feel extremely guilty if I feel like I'm wasting time because life could end at any moment, and I never want to feel like I've wasted a day. I try to keep myself busy to refrain from feeling so guilty, but it's so hard to fight the anxiety that constantly wants to take over.

I feel angry when I'm ignored. Sometimes I'll make an attempt to talk to a friend or family member, and they'll act as if the thought I'm trying to express doesn't matter. As my mother is notorious for this, it's easy for me to become frustrated with her and for tension to boil.

I'm moody when I'm hungry, or as I like to say, "hangry" (hungry and angry). If I haven't eaten in awhile, it's typical for me to snap at someone, but I always feel extremely guilty afterward. Any slight form of discomfort can completely ruin my mood. Whether it be hunger, being too hot or cold, or slightly tired, I can go from happy-go-jolly to a snappy chihuahua in a matter of seconds.

I'm happiest when I'm with my friends. They're the people I feel most at home with, and I'm never afraid to be myself around them. While it's not hard for me to strike up a conversation with someone I don't know very well, I prefer to be with friends that I already trust. I love talking to people, and when I have friends over, I would much rather have a deep two hour conversation instead of watch TV or a movie.

I feel confident when I'm wearing makeup. I started by only wearing mascara in sixth grade, and I gradually started adding products until I wore a full face of makeup every day. It gives me something to look forward to in the morning, and it's a relaxing routine that helps me express myself. I honestly think makeup is art, and life is too short to not wear makeup if it's something that makes you happy. I used to use makeup to hide my acne and insecurities, but now I use it to enhance my features and play around with different looks and lipstick shades.

I feel frustrated when people are close minded. I'm always willing to listen to other people and their opinions, but it's so easy for people to shut down any opinion but their own. I love listening to people talk about their religion and what they believe because hearing different people's perspective on life is so insightful. I identify as an atheist, but I will always respect other people's beliefs even if I don't agree with them.

I feel depressed when I'm not productive. I always try to keep myself busy because when I'm bored, the snowball effect will occur. It'll start off as having one lazy Saturday, but before I know it, I'll feel like a worthless failure that can't accomplish anything. I try to set goals every day for what I want to accomplish, and productivity is something I take pride in.

I am comfortable when I am wearing jeans or leggings. I hate wearing shorts because while I'm confident in how my body looks, I don't feel very comfortable showing off my legs very much. I love to wear skirts and dresses on occasion, but I just feel like I have stuffed Chipotle burritos for legs if I try to wear shorts. I also get cold very easily, so that can be quite inconvenient when I'm wearing shorts.

I feel nervous when tests or quizzes are graded in class. I would much rather turn assignments into the teacher than sit in suspense while my teacher calls out the answers to each question. Peer marking is even worse. If my teachers ask us to trade papers with a partner to grade, I suddenly feel so self conscious that the person grading mine is constantly judging me.

I feel sentimental when I look at pictures of my old house in Texas. While it holds some scarring memories, it's a place where I grew up and started to discover who I was. I don't think I ever want to live there again because the Ashley that lived in Texas is not the same Ashley that I am now. It would bring back too much nostalgia, and it might ruin all the progress that I've made to recover from the divorce and depression. But part of me wishes that I could spent even just a day sitting in each room, thinking about all the memories I made there. I have a strong emotional connection to that house, but maybe that's the biggest reason why I should never return?