The Veteran Left Behind - ON HOLD

Chapter 19

"I'm seeing all the good things but what about the bad?"

"What do you mean," asked Nelson.

"I'm sure I fucked up someone and made their life worse."

"Like who?"

Ben thought for a moment.

"All the people I blew up on."

"Oh, you mean your anger affecting others?"

Ben nodded.  He knew it was too many to count.

"Well we will skip a few people to get there then."

Ben found himself at the VA hospital.  He walked over to the glass window and looked out.  He knew were he was at.  He was at the regional hospital in the radiology department.  He turned around and watched himself storm out with a limp.  He had paperwork in his hand and was fuming.  Ben followed himself in the elevator, watching his other self clench his fists as more people piled on the elevator.  He followed himself to the first floor and down the hall, stopping suddenly in front of pharmacy.  His other self groaned at the long line of veterans to the outside of the hallway.  His other self put his back against the wall and waited impatiently.  Suddenly, time started to fast forward.

"What the hell is happening?" said Ben to himself.

"As you know, the VA takes forever," said Nelson next to him.

Ben jumped slightly and felt his heart race with the suddenly appearance of Nelson again.

"You have to stop fucking doing that."

Nelson just chuckled to himself.  Time started to slow and Ben saw himself at the window. 

"Fucking ibuprofen???" Seethed Ben to the pharmacist.

"That's what the neurologist ordered."

"Oh yeah!  Ranger Candy is going to help this shit.  My stomach is already fucked up as it is."

Ben started walking away.

"Don't you want your prescription sir?" called the pharmacist.

"You can keep it."

Ben turned to follow his former self when Nelson gently put a hand on his arm.

"Wait."

Ben turned and saw the pharmacist get on the phone.  He walked closer to hear what he was saying.

"Yes a Mr Grayson was just down here.  Are you aware he has stomach issues?"

The pharmacist paused for a second and continued to speak, "I believe this patient would be better on a different medication.  I have a few suggestions for his next visit or I can mail it to him today."

Ben was floored.

"Because of this pharmacist, you have never been put on ibuprofen again.  He also continued to suggest to other patients a different alternative which saved some ulcers."

Ben turned to Nelson and opened his mouth before being interrupted again.

"Lets walk and talk."

Nelson started walking down the hallway of the hospital.

"Wait, I'm sure he has seen that a billion times," said Ben as he followed Nelson.

"That was his first week at the VA.  Because you said something, he noticed it was too widely prescribed causing stomach problems."

Ben saw his former self waiting impatiently to get his travel pay ahead. 

"Just wait."

A man fell to the floor and stopped breathing.  The former Ben limped over and dropped to his knees next to him.  Ben watched as he gave the man CPR.  He remembered that day.  The man just left the emergency room just within 50 feet after being discharged and went into cardiac arrest.  Ben felt the hairs on his arm stand up as he felt his anxiety skyrocket.  It took a long time for medical staff to arrive to take over and take him back to the emergency room.

"He lived.  Because you lost your temper and went straight to travel.  If you left earlier not wanting to wait, he would have died.  If you waited for your prescription to be handed to you, he would have died as well."

"Wait, so this all happened because I lost my temper?"

"Everything happens for a reason.  You were the one who jumped in action and saved his man his life.  A husband, a father, a grandfather, and a Vietnam veteran."

Ben watched his former self start walking towards them.  Ben remembered he had a panic attack in the garage after this incident.  He was overwhelmed.  The adrenaline was too much for him.

"I hated the feeling after I had this," whispered Ben.

"It's normal for PTSD.  Your flight or fight response saved this man.  All these veterans stood around not knowing what to do or unable to do what you did.  You were in the right place, right time, with the right amount of reaction."

Everything grew dark.  Ben was still feeling overwhelmed like it just happened yesterday.

"This is why I wanted to wait to show you this.  You have yet to realize that the biggest burden in your life has resulted in so many people's lives changed."

"Why couldn't I save you then?"

"There was nothing you could do.  It was my time.  But, there are still people you have yet to see whose lives were not done yet.  You will see in time."

Ben sat at the ground.  He needed a moment to soak this in.  He completely forgot that old man who collapsed.  He was so angry it took so long for anyone to respond to a Code Blue. 

"I know most people would pat themselves on the back.  But it's just a burden for me," said Ben as he leaned back on his hands with his legs outstretched.

"You are a humble person.  Recognition doesn't come often to you but it's felt by many.  It's okay not to feel proud.  But it's also okay to recognize you have so many qualities that help other people.   Including myself."

Ben looked up at Nelson with inquisitive eyes. 

"In time, Ben," said Nelson with a smile. 

Ben sat in silence for a long time mulling over what Nelson just stated. 

"Whenever you are ready, we will move on."

"I have to go through all this?"

Nelson nodded. 

"To get some peace?"

"In a way, yes."

"I just wish I knew where I was going from here.  Hopefully not hell.  I'll take nothingness to hell."

Nelson boomed in laughter.

"Not even close my friend.  Not even close."