Battlefield ｡ Tony Stark

27 - HEARTS CAN BREAK

Ever been so torn in half that you just wished for simplicity? Yeah, me too. For months now, I had been walking a very fine line with wanting to love Tony Stark and wanting to be a good mother. For so many years, I thought protecting Samuel from his father was the only way to give him a normal life. Now, since Tony had somehow fallen back in my our lives and he was no longer that party playboy, things had grown messy and old feelings had weaved back into my heart. With one rainy afternoon, those two thoughts were crashed together and it wouldn't end well. 

"Samuel--" I was already pushing myself to my feet, watching as my son fled the room, leaving red salsa all over the clean tiles. Tony was following suit, ready to try and explain to Samuel why his parents, who were strictly friends, were kissing. Talk about a kid being conflicted now. With a heavy glare in my eyes, I swung around to face Tony. "I think it's best if you stay here, Tony. I don't want you making things worse right now. I know him best, I'll talk with him. Okay?"

Tony was already trying to protest but today, the burden of speaking with my son fell on my shoulders because it wasn't Tony somewhat betraying him, it was his mother, who had promised not to ruin things. "Tilly, come on--"

"I said I'll deal with it." 

With those final words, Tony backed down. I moved out of the living room, finding my way down stairs and into Tony's workshop, where I found Samuel busy playing around with some old scrap metal. I knew he was finding a passion for tinkering around, much like his father. He heard me climb down the stairs, pushing the glass door open. My eyes swung over the iron suit Tony had created, now with a fresh coat of paint and the bullet holes removed. "Sam." I started quietly, feeling my heart pound in my chest. I honestly didn't have a clue to what I would say to him. 

"Mum, you promised you would let me do this, that you were alright with him coming into our lives. As you like to point out, I'm just a kid but I know enough to know not everything in life is fair." His voice was quiet, his words running true with so much emotion. He was still facing away from me and in that moment, I was very thankful because I knew my heart would break if I saw the confusion and pain in his eyes. "I get why you kept him away, I really do, mum. I never felt like I missing out on something, you know?"

I fidgeted with my shirt, hating how his words stung so much. He finally put down the tool in his hand, twirling around to face me. "But these past few months have been really great and I realised that by keeping him away, I was missing out on something. I know you didn't want to hurt me like that...that you were only trying to protect me but I don't want this to turn ugly, mum."

"Samuel, please, nothing happened--" I started, feeling my bottom lip tremble.

A crash followed, Samuel knocking some of the things off the table as his emotions took over. He was just a kid and this life we had suddenly found ourselves in was hard enough on me, let alone him. "I'm not an idiot, mum. I know you love him, maybe you always have." He paused, looking across at me, tears shining in his eyes. "I had a dream we were a family. I thought maybe, we could just be normal. Is that a foolish dream?"

I sucked in a deep breath, realising we shared a same foolish dream. "But seeing you and him together today, maybe it wouldn't work, mum." He admitted slowly. "No offence mum, you have a tendency to ruin things and this thing with dad, I don't want it being ruined because you're scared of loving him."

My heart lurched in my heart with his words. He had never uttered that word before, even if he wanted to out loud. Dad. It should have been a warm feeling, maybe something bright but that simple word hurt more than it should have. Somehow, I felt like I was being pushed aside and he was choosing Tony over me. My biggest fear of not being good enough for him was becoming a reality. Although the pain was demanding, maybe he wasn't wrong. I had been trying hard to push away my feelings, too afraid that Tony would leave again, like he did in college. Even my eleven year old son could see it. 

"If you can't admit your feeling to him and choose him, despite your fears..." Samuel started again, seeing my walls crumble and my heart break all over again. "Maybe it's better if you don't see him anymore." 

Tears dotted my eyes and I hated crying in front of Samuel, hated how my own son knew what was inside my heart more than I ever really did. "You're picking him?"

Samuel shook his head, "I'm not picking anyone, mum. It's not like that, you know that. I just don't want to get in the middle of you two, not when both of you are fooling yourself thinking love isn't worth it and your past can't be changed." He stepped forward, his tiny hand taking my own in a strange comforting manner. "I'm picking me, mum. I've lived without him my whole life but I don't want to anymore. Even if you can't love him back."

It was strange how my own son was wiser than myself sometimes. But then maybe all children could see things clearer sometimes, could spot the lies their parents wanted to stay hidden. They had grown up observing, maybe they really did know their parents better than anyone else. "Have I ever told you, you're too smart for your own good?" I asked him, trying to smile through the tears. 

"I get it from dad," He shrugged. "But I have your heart."

A tear slipped down my cheek and I leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "Be thankful you didn't get my tendency to self-destruct." Samuel gave a little laugh with my response and I sucked in another deep breath, realising that today, I was going to make a decision that would change my life forever. "I guess I should talk with Tony, huh, kid?"

"I think that's a good idea, yeah."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

ohmygod why was this so emotional to write? I'm crying. There wasn't much interaction with Tony but this chapter needed to happen because I love the dynamic with Tilly and Samual. He's a bright, blunt and outspoken character, kinda' like Tony and he needed this growth. He's actually the sole reason Tilly puts herself out there next chapter, so get ready. I'm going to be getting back on track with the movie really soon, then we get part three! Please leave your thoughts and be kind, emotional and stressful scenes happen in all stories, even if they're hard to read. 

- tinkertaydust